


The Fall of Arlathan

by Psalacanthea



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Politics, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:20:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psalacanthea/pseuds/Psalacanthea
Summary: A decade ago, Solas left his life behind to escape the machinations of his severely dysfunctional family, and his predetermined place in their 'pantheon'.  Unfortunately, freedom came with a price, and he lost everything- including Ellana.  She never regretted their sacrifice, but the scars it left behind have lingered.Now he's back, trying to find his place in the world again.  Unfortunately, the one left for him by his family is still there, and his uncle's empire is beginning to crumble.  When Elgar'nan turns on Mythal to save himself, stepping back into the role of Fen'Harel could exonerate her and stop his uncle's machinations, but it might mean losing a second chance with Ellana.Trying to do both might mean failure, but to do nothing might be even worse.This is a sequel toSchooling Pride
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Solas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Foreword**

There is a profound perfection in forgotten places.

In roads, stretching out towards the horizon, baked by sun and cracked by time, passed over as new routes more efficient are constructed. Abandoned monuments with purpose forgotten by all, left behind as the culture of travel and exploration died. Roadside shops and restaurants, vacant structures like the crumbling shell of a long-dead creature.

Man's emptiness is a thing of echoes, memories of life clinging to walls that have none of their own. Intials etched into a wooden railing, the names on a brass plaque, tarnished but still proudly declaring accomplishments long forgotten. Abandoned signs that point the way to things that no longer exist, directions to the ghosts of history neither great nor glorious enough to be written about or remembered.

It is the emptiness of a path worn by feet long dead, a path no longer trod except by those who wander far out of the expectations of modern society. It is lonely. It is sad. And in that melancholy, so much beauty that one is staggered by the scope of it all, by how much truly has been forgotten- to see the sun-faded echoes of a thousand summers, the skeletons of autumn leaves piled around rusting metal, crumbling concrete. The passage of time in those places is writ as clear as the rings of a tree, or the striations of centuries etched in a cliffside. It is the cracks in a vandalized sidewalk, parting at last two names meant to be there together, forever. A heart broken, the faded graffiti of mankind's need to declare that they existed, crying out that someone recognize they were found to be of worth, that they had accomplished, lived. We are all desperate to be remembered in some tangible fashion, telling our stories to a world crowded with them, speaking to ears deafened by the cacophony of life.

In these quiet, lonely places, only fragments remain to speak, and be heard.

Whatever may come now, whatever I will become in what lies ahead for me, I will make this book a testament to the truth I discovered in solitude.

The only true legacy and connection that will survive the inevitable march of time is the echo of ourselves we leave in one another. In the forgotten places, it was the remnants of life that called to me, spoke to me of hands and hearts long dead. They were the edges of a thousand stories, and I took them in to myself, made them a part of my own. Now they will, I hope, be yours as well. Otherwise, what is their worth? The indelible marks we leave on each other's lives are the only thing that survives us, passed from generation to generation. Love, wisdom, beauty, awe, sorrow, cruelty, compassion...a thousand emotions that shape the world around us, bend it to our stories.

In the end, everything else is forgotten.

**Eight Years Ago**

"You know, when I ask someone where they've been, the expected answer is something like 'around', not a twenty minute ramble on the museums you found along the Rivaini coast."

The sharpness in Velanna's voice drew Solas' attention away from the stone rubble at the base of the ancient wall. Absently, he let the grit slide between his fingers, finally finding a small pebble that he fingered as he rose to his feet. Glancing over, he met her sardonic look, and lifted his shoulders.

"You did ask. Textiles are more interesting than I realized." He said, and she heaved an irritable sigh. "Do you have a phone? I am curious what sort of stone this is."

"Of course I have a phone, everyone has a phone, but we are halfway up the side of a mountain. No service." She pointed out wryly, stepping past him through a gap in the wall. "Let us see if we can find the doorway. Where are you going when you leave tomorrow?"

"It looks out of place for the terrain. Perhaps brought here to build from elsewhere. That was why I wanted to know." The pebble lodged safely in his pocket, he followed her in. "Deeper into Ferelden, through the Bannorn, I believe. I want to avoid Denerim."

"When was the last time you actually hit civilization?" She asked over her shoulder, and then scoffed faintly at his relaxed shrug. "As far as penances go, this one is proving to be a bit excessive, Solas."

"I wouldn't call it a penance, Velanna. Just living. I will likely need to find another job when I arrive down there, however. I was thinking, considering the time of year, I could try my hand at farm work. They always need people this time of year, don't they?" He mused, considering the idea over in his head. "At least until winter begins. Did you know that they provide passage on cargo ships? I was considering going to Tevinter. Apparently it is a fairly economical way to travel, though you have to take into account that you will be traveling for at least a month."

"A month at sea? That sounds dull." Velanna said flatly, and then smiled wryly when he laughed. "Not much to see on the ocean, just more water."

Her voice trailed off as she ducked under a tree branch and disappeared further into the shattered building. There was a moment of silence as he tried to catch up, before he heard her give a faint 'aha'.

"Found it." She declared, and he heard the crunch of loose stone. "And look, there was a path on the other side. Of course there was."

"I hope Merrill's survey of Sundermount is going well." He mused, following her out of the broken doorway back into the light. From this vantage, he could see a few other pieces of ruined structure, broken walls of the same mismatched stone. "I believe letting in some archaeological teams to examine these ruins might be an excellent step to keeping things preserved."

"It has to work. It will." Velanna declared firmly, turning to rest her map against the top of a cracked stone, pulling the pen out of her bun to make more notations. "I don't care how old the land agreements are, if we can get protected status for some of these stretches of land on historical value alone...it won't matter, the land can't be flattened for highways and strip malls."

"You and Lanaya have made remarkable progress." He agreed, ensuring his hip was resting against the rocky outcropping, and not something more man made. "I expect some people are feeling a bit of whiplash?"

"There's always people who resist change, Solas. Always. Anywhere you go." Velanna replied with a long-suffering sigh, shaking her head. "Ralaferin is on board, but some of the other clans...not so much."

"They will join you in time." He assured, and then added with a significant look aside, "Once information about that Tevinter ruin comes out, you'll have the whole country knocking down your door."

"Tevinter does love their 'great and glorious' history, don't they?" Velanna asked with a hint of disgust, relaxing into a wry smile when he chuckled. "They'll fall in line, you are correct. Hiding their heads in the sand won't secure our future."

He made a small sound of agreement and they both fell silent, watching the sun fading towards the horizon slowly. Earlier than it had been, which reminded him all too well that another year was beginning to wane.

"Back to school before too long?" He asked quietly, resting against the shattered wall and staring off across the slope of the low mountain as the light began to fade to shades of orange.

"Less than a month." Velanna agreed, offering over a water bottle, and then turning her attention back to the sunset as well. "Two new Dalish students this year, one just starting, and one transferring from Jader to continue medical school."

"It all feels so distant now." He murmured, not for the first time thinking over that violent fracture that made a vast gulf between the then and now, with far too many experiences forced into the last two years. "I believe I need to slow down. I have been trying so hard to hunt for something to fulfill me that I fear I have let a great many things pass me by."

"You'll look back on it and you won't remember that. But maybe...trying to see the entire world in as little time as possible might be too much to ask, Solas." Velanna said, taking the water back from him. "There has to be a balance, I'd think."

"Perhaps instead of trying to see everything, I should try to see all of what I can." He finally decided, pushing away from the wall. "You are right. It doesn't have to be a race, it can be a wander."

"...A wander." Velanna repeated, shaking her head at his curious look. "That's an Ellana-ism. What do you bet this path takes us back down quicker than the one we took?"

The small twist in his chest was all the worst for being unexpected. They had all been so careful to keep that distance between them, but at times he wondered if that simply meant they were being kept from healing. She had told him not to contact her, and he had to respect that, in the end. Hunting for information from her friends would be just as bad.

"I'm sorry." Velanna offered, and turned back away, continuing down the steep slope with a rattle of gravel. "I have been told sometimes I don't think."

"Hardly your fault. Circumstances made it rather difficult to get over." He said at last, rather than avoiding the topic. It wasn't as if Velanna would be secretly judging him. If anything, she'd do so openly. "It gets easier, not day by day, but when I look over my shoulder every now and again, it's a bit further away."

"That's what happens when you keep walking forward." She mused quietly, and then glanced over her shoulder. "Come along. My sister will be furious if you don't stay the night."

"That is really not necessary..." He began a bit awkwardly, and then sighed at the sardonic look she shot over her shoulder. "Very well, very well. Are you going to feed me as well?"

"She likely has already made dinner. I am not extending hospitality for your sake, Solas, I just don't want her angry with me." Velanna declared, hands hooking in her pack as she started down the steep slope, "It is not because I want you there."

"Noted." He laughed, and followed her back down the mountain.

"What are you supposed to be, somebody's girlfriend?"

Ellie glanced up from the television, gum slowly deflating as she realized there was about a half dozen girls staring at her. Dressed to the nines. She glanced from them, down to her sweatshirt and short shorts, and then back again.  
Silently, she tongued the gum back in her mouth, and turned back to the game.

"Did you know there was a party tonight?" She asked Spence, and then grimaced as he headshotted her, "Hey, come on, I was distracted."

"Yeah, there's a party tonight." Spence muttered, straw hanging out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't make excuses for sucking."

"I asked you a question?" One of the girls said, pointedly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I couldn't exist unless I was someone's girlfriend." Ellie retorted sharply, squinting and trying to keep her focus on the game, "No, dude, we're just playing a game, relax, would you? I'm totally a fraternity brother."

"No, the fraternity brothers actually know how to dress." A familiar voice interjected, just making her grin. "Ellana, you're ruining the ambiance."

"Vic, it was ruined before I got here." She retorted, snickering as Victoria gracefully seated herself at the open end of the couch, "I'll be outta here soon. I gotta study anyways."

"Where the hell have you been? I called you like three times last week." Victoria snapped, drumming a finger against the side of her wine glass, "Hello, Ellie. Networking? Could you at least try to utilize the opportunities you're given?"

"Creators, Vic, if you need a favor, just ask for a f...fucking son of a bitch!" She cursed as Spence shot her in the back of the head again, "I give up. I suck at video games."

"Yep." Spencer agreed, yanking the controller out of her hands, "I gotta go change, nerd."

"See ya, jackass." She replied, and then grimaced as he pushed a hand on top of her head to get to his feet.

"I need a favor." Victoria admitted with a sigh, pulling Ellie's attention back over.

And then her eyes lifted past her, to the mini crowd of girls watching them. Ellie squinted an eye and glanced across them, and then looked back at Vic again.

"They yours?" Ellie asked, and then laughed faintly, "Okay, what do you need."

"Girls, fuck off." Victoria ordered with a flit of her hand, and then turned a more serious look on Ellie, "I need you to get a letter of introduction to Cassandra Pentaghast to pass on to someone she works with."

"Oh come on, Vic!" Ellie complained, voice cracking a little, "Don't do this to me, man."

" _Please_ , Ellie, this is an incredibly huge deal for me!" Victoria said, sounding more like a demand than a plea, unsurprisingly, "There's absolutely no way I'm going to go beg at my dad's feet until he gives me a job I'm probably overqualified for!"

"You need to talk to him, that's sexist bullshit. You're smarter than anyone. Can't your mom kick his ass or something?" Ellie asked, only half trying to wriggle out of it. "If he doesn't start training you to take over, he's a moron."

"Well, he's not going to, so I need to depend on myself. I tried it his way, but I'm done. I'm not selling myself to the highest bidder so they can take over what should be rightfully mine just because they have a dick." Victoria said, jaw set as she lifted her chin, "I need your help, okay?"

"Networking. Yeah, you know me, I'm looking for ins into the corporate lifestyle!" Ellie joked playfully, and then laughed when Victoria sighed, "Okay, okay. Don't get mopey. All I can do is give you an Ellie thumbs up and send it on, okay? What Cass chooses to do with it..."

"Thank you." Victoria replied, relief on her face as she nodded, "Thank you. Everybody else has just been...irritating lately."

"Yeah, well, people are moving on. You know how it goes, everybody's finding a new place for themselves." Ellie replied, trying not to let her mood dip too obviously, "Trying to figure out where they fit in. Forgetting about everyone else."

"Stop moping. You get worse every time someone graduates." Vic accused, the disgust in her voice not fooling Ellie, "We'll go get sushi tomorrow, okay?"

"Is it too much to ask that I just...buy a giant apartment complex and make everyone live in it with me?" Ellie complained, and then sighed when Victoria scoffed, "Okay, okay. But if you're gonna make me go to one of those overpriced pits you like, you're paying."

"Try to wear some clothes that _aren't_ falling apart." Victoria said, and then rose to her feet, smoothing hands down the front of her dress, "It would be nice to not be embarrassed to be seen with you for once."

"Vic, how am I supposed to show off my tittoo unless my boobs are hanging out?" She replied, lifting her voice with every word as Victoria walked away, until she was all but shouting, "Victoria I didn't get a tattoo on my boob just to hide it from the wo~orld!"

She was pretty sure, when Victoria ducked into the kitchen to get away from her, that she was laughing openly.

Score one for Ellie.

**Seven Years Ago**

Dear Ellana,

I've found my way, more or less, southeast along 99. It's a beautiful stretch of road, just like we'd planned to drive along. Yes, I am done with the parks service, the dry season is over, and they no longer needed the assistance. While I enjoyed the work, I am looking forward to not sleeping in my car any longer. Too populated, too full of tourists, even the small hotels on the border were more than I was willing to spend. It is strange to have passed back through the Marches again, but Antiva is kind in the winter.

I have to work under the table, of course, but that is the beauty of living on the road, no one seems to care about such bureaucracy. It is its own society, with its own rules and customs. I have found a position working at a diner just off of the old highway. You would have been amused. When I arrived and asked for work, the owner- a formidable woman- instantly seemed to realize what sort of vagrant I was.

It seems, even in shedding myself entirely and starting over that I cannot help but fall into patterns. I am not the first wandering would-be writer this woman has seen, and I doubt I will be the last. She is amenable to letting me linger too long when I am not working, and has said plainly that when I choose to move on, she will have no objections. I will write you more of her later, when I know her well enough to pin her easily to paper.

I am writing to you tonight from a vast and wild nowhere. I've taken the car out to an abandoned winery about twenty miles off the highway. Only rumors of its existence, but they were sufficient to find it.

No lights here. Just the stars and I.

I spent the afternoon exploring, and I hope you will forgive me if I don't tell you all I found. It seems as of late I am discovering a great many things that feel private, as if my acceptance of solitude as a worthy companion has opened up some part of myself that was greatly in need of it all. This is not a place I would bring you, so I will not tell you where it is.

The man-made taken over by nature has a unique and comforting peace to it, and a building once no doubt some artists' great work has become even more beautiful in its decay. Gilding gone, the stone lay bare to my eyes to show the hand that carefully sculpted eaves and edifice. I have never been more grateful that you opened art to me than I was when I gazed into the face of a statue that must have once stood in a great garden. Her eyes have been blinded white by the elements, body a scaffold for life to reach ever higher, striving for the sky.

I drew her until the quality of light had faded, and then I went for a ramble in the fields. Most of the grape vines are long gone, or returned to their wilder roots. A vine has a lifespan of perhaps a century in which it can reproduce, but their bones have formed the coral for a reef of verdant life. It is a good place to wander, if one does not mind the occasional bear, or snake.

I have found that they do not bother me, if I simply go on my way.

Perhaps that is the theme of my life now. It is freedom, and I am grateful beyond measure to have found it. In that freedom, which walks hand in hand with loneliness, I have finally found myself. I think I will return here, when I find the time. It has welcomed me, and while I do not wish to overstay that welcome, I think there is something here I have yet to learn.

I finished editing the first two years of my letters at last, I have wiped you clean of them. The heartache is still there in bits and pieces, but it was so intrinsic that there is no way to banish it completely. I hope it is enough. I hope it is enough so that one day, if you see my name and pick it up in your hands, reading it will not hurt you. That you will never know it was meant for you.

Arrogance to think I might be published? Well, if you must know, I already have that handled. Have faith in me. I will make something of this life you have given me yet.

I promise.

_Shit._

It was the first thought in Ellie's head, when she woke up curled on the corner of an unfamiliar mattress. Not the being here, it was actually neater than her room, which she noticed when the instant surge of panic faded. Pulling up, she rubbed her eyes frantically, and then immediately slipped off of the bed.

Falling asleep was absolutely mortifying, especially when she had to go to work in the morning. Did she have time to make it to her apartment? Because there was no way in hell that she'd be caught dead taking a shower here.

Luckily what's his face was still sound asleep, and her clothes were easy to find. Cursing silently to herself, she dragged them on, finding her purse next to her balled up sweatshirt. Fishing out her phone, she checked the time, relief rising.  
Six in the morning. Enough time to get home and shower.

Ugh, this is what she got for running herself ragged all week. Falling asleep at a random one night stand's house. How freaking awkward. Yanking on her sweatshirt, she dug a hair tie out of the bottom of her purse and scooped her hair up, not bothering to make it neat. There was basically no way to make it neat, the hood would have to do.

Huddling into it, she crossed the floor to the door, taking one last mental inventory to make sure she had all her stuff. Everything except her shoes. Hopefully they were by the door.

Luckily the door wasn't locked, or creaky, opening a crack under her careful touch so she could slide through it. Better not to risk some light coming in, and waking him up. It wasn't that she wanted to ghost him, exactly, but she just didn't want to...talk to him. Or interact with him. You know.

To make sure he didn't get ideas.

Ellie was pretty sure there was a way to make that sound better, but she didn't think she knew how. The door latched shut behind her, leaving her in an apartment plain enough that she could find her way around. A short hallway led past the bathroom, opening up to a kitchen on the left, living room on the right, and the portal to freedom ahead of her. She made a beeline for it.

Gaze fixed on it, she didn't realize she wasn't alone until someone started laughing. Shoulders slumping, she glanced aside, meeting a pair of very amused brown eyes framed by faded Vallaslin. And a sly smile she knew way too well.

"Oh. You live here. That's...cool." She muttered, and then sighed and lifted a hand to her forehead, "Just forget you saw me, Jun, okay?"

"You want some cereal, Elliebean?" He replied, faint Nevarran accent deepening when he laughed, "No? You can't even have a bit of breakfast before your walk of shame?"

"Okay, one? I meant to leave last night. I'm tired, I've got exams soon." She told him, pointing a finger and shaking it, trying not to laugh herself, "And two...keep your voice down. Don't wake him up. Also, three, stop calling me that, jerk."

"How's your mom?" he replied mockingly, as she cursed and wandered over to try and find her shoes.

"Are you sure you want to go into therapy? You could do anything you want," she replied, a little bit tartly herself, hiding a grin when he laughed again. "Velanna's going to be a lawyer. The Mahariel girl's going to be a doctor, so is Sala's son. You could make something of yourself like them."

"I was going to med school hell or high water, it's not as if I picked it on a whim for the point scoring," he reminded her, spoon clinking in his bowl. "Don't listen to her, El, you're doing good things."

"Just wait until she finds out I don't have a doctorate in me. Everybody else is getting one, why aren't you?" Ellie replied dryly, shoving her feet into her shoes when she found them at last. "I'll catch you later, okay? Hopefully, you know...way less awkward."

Not that much could _be_ more awkward than this, but Jun was okay. He liked dumb puns, which gave him plus points, but on the negative side, a fondness for giving her stupid nicknames. That part she could live without. That and he was just one more person for mom to hang over her head, ever since she'd found out Ellie wasn't going to embarrass herself by going for a career she'd just fail at.

"Hey, Ellie."

"Yeah?" She asked, glancing over her shoulder, hand on the doorknob.

"You can't stick around?" he asked, thumbing over his shoulder. "Cup of tea or something? Not my place, I know, but...he actually kind of likes you."

Irritation rose, but she knew it wasn't Jun's fault. Rather than snap, she slid her purse up to her shoulder, took a couple deep breaths, and then glanced back at him again, managing an apologetic smile.

"And if I'd known that, I wouldn't have slept with him." Lifting a shoulder, she shrugged, turning back for the door. "Stick to medicine, Jun, not matchmaking."

"Ten four," he said, and sighed. "I tried to warn him."

"Well, maybe next time he'll listen to you," she muttered, pulling open the door and slipping out into the hall. "Everybody knows I'm a disaster."

A small part of her brain, in the very back, reminded her yet again that she didn't have to be. She was fully aware that was one of the parts she should be listening to, but...

Ellie didn't feel quite like it just yet.

**Six Years Ago**

Sweat, rust, ancient grease, and cigarette smoke. It had become, oddly enough, a somewhat comforting smell. At least it was for him, he had a feeling most people wouldn't agree.

"I'm trying to figure out," The musing call came from behind him in a familiar, gravelly voice, "why exactly I show up to give you a ride, after a three hour flight, mind you, and find that the address you've sent me is for a junkyard."

Pulling back from under the rusted hood, Solas glanced over his shoulder at Varric, gesturing him forward before turning back again. It was getting late enough in the day that he might have to give up, it wasn't as if he'd brought a flashlight. Irritating though, but that was the price of dragging an ancient fixer-upper out of someone's yard. Finding parts was near impossible.

"Because this is where I was going to be, of course," he replied, exhaling smoke through his nostrils as he examined the engine compartment of the car. Shaking his head, he continued. "This is still in fairly good shape, I must say. Sadly, it does not appear to be what I am looking for, but I could likely get some money for the parts, depending on what the junkyard charged m..."

"Solas," Varric said flatly, interrupting his train of thought again. "Dinner. Book launch?"

"Ah yes, insufferable cocktail hour," he murmured under his breath, the dwarf's reply not much more than a snort. "My car has broken down again. If I can find the part myself, it will save me a few thousand. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible."

"Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure filthy and shirtless is _not_ the dress code tonight," Varric told him, and then laughed as he absentmindedly wiped his greasy hands on his thighs. "Not really better, Chuckles. And that car is a piece of junk. Just...give up on it already."

"Vintage piece of junk," he reminded Varric, dropping the end of his cigarette and grinding it out with the toe of his shoe. Generally against littering, but difficult to litter in a junkyard. "It has sentimental value, I learned how to bale hay to pay for it, you know. But perhaps you are correct, it may be time for something..."

"That actually runs? Listen, leave me the keys, I'll have someone sell it off for you," Varric said, and then laughed at his noncommittal shrug. "All right, all right. You know I don't care, but I sure hope you brought a change of clothes."

"There is a garment bag hung up on a refrigerator somewhere around here," he said, pushing away from the car at last, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans. "I owe your friend a great debt of gratitude for helping me. Ninety will not be kenneled."

"Ah, she loves dogs. It's really not a problem. Besides, I owe you for coming along to this with me," Varric reminded him, and then added dryly as he tugged out the crumpled pack of cigarettes. "No smoking in the rental, Solas."

"I have been meaning to give it up,” he admitted, shoving it back in his pocket without complaint, picking up his pace as he caught sight of his shirt fluttering in the breeze like a flag. "It failed to do what it was supposed to do."

"And what was that?" Varric asked, tolerantly amused as he always seemed to be, following along more sedately as Solas stopped to pull his shirt over his head. "Make you look cool?"

"I was once told the pursuit of coolness was, in fact, the least cool endeavor a person could engage in, Varric," he informed the dwarf, who laughed roughly. "It may be, like wisdom, a journey instead of a destination."

"I don't know about that. I mean, I'm cool," Varric informed him as they turned to head back out of the junkyard. "You're strange, Chuckles, which I'm pretty sure can be mistaken for cool, at least."

"The longer we live, the more we realize that we know nothing at all," he sighed, slinging the garment bag over his shoulder, regretfully leaving behind the relatively peaceful junkyard behind. An oasis in the city he was all too uncomfortable with being in.

But still...Varric had for some reason decided they were friends, and he had far too few of those any longer. He could steel himself for one night, at the very least. Tomorrow he could flee the city before his agent decided he needed to do an interview or something equally irritating.

The news this morning had said there was an oil spill off the Rivaini coast. A month or so on cleanup would be a worthwhile use of his time. Putting road under his feet again would be welcome. Too many people in this city, too much noise.

A mere five hour drive from home.

Far too close.

Ellie had gotten into the habit of stopping by the bookstore on the way home while waiting for the bus. A good excuse for a cup of coffee, even if four was sort of late for one. She'd been up late a lot, though, working, and because the damn thin walls seemed to let every hint of sound through and the neighbors were loud. Still, she got plenty of flak for it. Or...was getting, really.

"You can't lie to me, you know. You are the worst liar."

"Babe, just because you can sleep through the marathon orgy and airing of the grievances doesn't mean I can," she replied, wandering up to the head of the line, where the girl was already scribbling on her cup. "I'd be up anyways. Do you want a croissant, Jun?"

"No, Ellie, I don't want a croissant. I'm making dinner!" He sounded so exasperated that she almost felt bad for laughing. "Don't miss your bus again."

"To be fair, that was because I was reading this _really_ amazing romance novel. I almost bought it!" she responded, putting her card away and dropping her wallet back into her bag among the books. "It was pretty fuckin' awesome. It had pirate vampires. What's for dinner?"

"I'm performing surgery on a chicken. My repertoire might be limited, but my butchery's ace, hon," he declared with a theatrical flourish, rousing a little grin as she grabbed her coffee with a nod and turned away from the counter.

Turning back into the shop proper, absently blowing across the tiny aperture of the cup's lid, the response she was summoning up died, abruptly. Eyes locked on one of the display tables, she read the front of a smallish, slim book staring back at her three or four times before it penetrated. Before she even realized what she was doing, she was standing in front of it, dropping her cup on the table so quickly that a few drops of hot coffee spilled over her fingers.

Breath caught in her throat, heart thudding, she stared in shock, blinking away tears that abruptly welled up, caught in emotions too sudden and big for her brain to comprehend. Her thumb stroked over the glossy cover, feeling the slight raise of the letters under her skin, following the curves and edges of the name.

 _His name_.

"Ground control to space cadet?"

The voice penetrated, and she blinked twice, thumbing open the book and scanning a page at random. It took less than two sentences before she realized it was in fact him, voice rambling on without bothering to check in with her very occupied brain.

"I...sorry, babe. Sorry. Holy shit, it sounds just like him. I can't...sorry, I just found a book...I guess an old friend of mine is writing now. Wow." She kept her voice light somehow, but her hand was shaking, just a little. "It's gotta be him, that's amazing. Holy fuck, I can't even believe..."

"Wait, wait, wait. You're talking capital H him, aren't you, El? No offense, hon, but you sound a bit smacked in the gob."

"Yeah," she admitted, not bothering to hide it. "Just a bit of a jolt to see his name after four...four and a half years. Will it bug you if I buy it?"

"Course not. Besides, I know you, if you don't buy it, it'll eat you up," he replied, a bit more seriously this time. "I mean, if it's full of love poetry or something I might sulk a bit if you moon over it."

"Nah, I doubt that'd be what he'd write. Cassandra must not have known, she would have said something. That's so weird..." she mused, tucking the book under her arm, and then picking up a second copy for good measure, grabbing her coffee as well. "I just assumed they still talked. I don't know why she wouldn't have...maybe I should call her and ask if something's wrong, do you think?"

"Overthinking, El," Jun pointed out, and then laughed at her exasperated sigh. "Cassandra is just busy right now. Real life stuff. Relax, blueberry. I'll see you at home, yes?"

"Yup," she murmured, and got a 'lath' in response before he hung up.

Silence for a second, as she stared at the book in her hand, wandering towards the counter. Weird how it'd stabbed her, right in a place she had forgotten was there.

"Wow," she murmured under her breath, shaking her head. "You're still out there somewhere, wolfie."

_Good._

**Four Years Ago**

"I quit," Solas reminded the cigarette being shoved in his face, for the fourth or fifth time. "Over a year ago..." The cigarette was withdrawn, and a hand-rolled joint replaced it, which he accepted with a tilt of his head. "That I will take. Thank you."

Asking her where she'd gotten elfroot, being underage and all, would be futile. Sera did as she liked, he'd learned. She'd settled in nicely here in the city after leaving Denerim. He didn't like being back here, but it was only for a little while. He had made a promise.  
Familiar streets made him uneasy, however, for many complicated reasons.

"You really want a job?" Sera asked him dubiously, shoving the cigarette in her own mouth and talking around it as she fumbled out her lighter, "Nate said you're rollin' in it."

"I would not say that." He temporized, accepting the lighter from her, inhaling deeply as he lit up.

"Why not?" Sera asked bluntly.

"Because it would not be true. I am getting by, but I have no intention of spending any of the 'book money', as you put it." He said after a long exhale, idly watching the bar across the street, "I will likely not stay for long, I am sorry, but I hate wasting time I could be working."

"They don't pay under th'table at my work. Proper...direct deposit an' everything. Bank stuff." She said, and then snickered at the slight twist of his lips, "Yeah, real job, but they pay good. Plus, pie."

"I prefer not to start paper trails." He said with a faint sigh, and then shook his head, "I will have to head down to the waterfront."

He should be able to find some day labor there. Certainly people he could contact here in Kirkwall, but it still felt wrong. All of this did, like something pricking at the back of his neck. Contacting anyone felt too much like making promises he would stay, and he was already thinking of where he would go once he'd left.

He had promised Sera he would come for a time, however, and he would hold himself to it. If he could.

"Bum. C'mon, time t'go." Sera muttered, and then snorted, pushing away from the wall when he stepped away, "Hey you did that stupid article, right? Or they just use your name?"

"The one in the Old Sunday Post? I did." He replied, shrugging at the dour look she gave him, "It was something different."

"I wanted t'punch it in the face. Sounded like you had your head up your arse." She informed him, scowl deepening when he laughed, shoulders slumping, "You think everything's funny."

"Most things are!" He replied, and then chuckled again as she glared at him, "I am only laughing because I agree. It was an interesting exercise."

"Why write it? Never make any friggin' sense." Sera groused, pulling ahead a moment as they approached the shop, "If it's just for the money, just _say_ it's for the money, don't be an a...huh. Nice arse."

"If I called it an exploration of my literary voice, you would rightfully call me..."

He stopped short as he came up behind Sera, staring through the glass windows of the shop as he discovered what she was referring to. Sigrun was standing with her back to them, on a chair, trying to hang a large portrait print on the wall. Partially obscured, he could still see it all too clearly for his taste, the line of a neck bared by her hair twisted up in her fingers, strands tumbled between them. The purpose of the picture, he assumed, was not the artistry of the naked female form, but to display the sinuous art nouveau tattoo spilling over her shoulder and curving down the line of her graceful back.

_Ellana._

The elegance of the work almost even made the butterfly perched on the left cheek of her rear look like something other than ridiculous.

If not for the completion of the tattoo he'd only seen the beginnings of, he would assume the image had been drawn somewhere out of the depths of his mind.

Utterly unfair how beautiful she was, how many memories were there in the simple arch of her neck, the shadowed edge of her waist. Unfair how he could recognize her so easily even now, with years apart and not even a glimpse of her face. Why, then, did he not feel longing or wistful nostalgia at the sight of her, but a strange unease?

He wasn't ready to face her. It could only be that.

That may have had less to do with her, and more with the accumulated memories, and the discomfort that had followed him the moment he stepped foot in the city again. She was simply part of them. Difficult to untangle it all, but he knew by now that he needed to make an attempt.

Which meant he had to get away from the noise and confusion, and clear his head again.

"I believe I need a rain check for tonight." He heard himself saying, already stepping back, tearing his eyes away from the door, "I will have to catch a show next time I am in town."

"Th'fuck!" Sera protested, turning with a scowl, "Y'know how hard it is t'find anyone that'll let me play when I can't even drink?"

Caught, conflicted, he took another step back, meeting Sera's confused, angry eyes. No. She was right, he'd been difficult enough as of late. Swallowing the strange, discomfiting unease, he took a deep breath and shook his head, glancing down at the joint smoldering between his fingers.

"I apologize. You are correct." He said, trying to sound less subdued than he was feeling, waiting for the buoying effect of the elfroot to clear his mind, "I will wait outside while you fetch Nathaniel."

"Yeah?" Sera asked, a little less sharply, but still with lingering suspicion that turned to resignation as she turned for the door, "Gonna be gone in the mornin', aren't you."

"I will stay for your show tonight." He promised, because it was all he could without making a liar of himself.

Sera just snorted, slouching her way into the shop, the bell ringing out as she slapped open the door with her hand. He didn't blame her for her annoyance, he hadn't been terribly reliable. Turning his back, he leaned against the wall and fought the urge to look into the shop again.

It was becoming increasingly clear that being lost in his head alone was doing him no favor. He had, of course, considered the idea that continuing on as if he were writing to Ellana was what most would consider unhealthy. He knew it wasn't to her, but a memory of her he had been carrying with him, and he had assumed that being honest with himself about that would make it cathartic, meditative.

Instead, it was beginning to feel as if he might be drowning himself in the past instead of trying to live.

He just wasn't certain he wanted to come up for air.

Jun-

I don't know how to say this.

I guess I shouldn't write it in a letter, but I'm hoping I decide to be brave enough to read it to your face. If I can't be, I hope you understand. I know you won't be, because it's an asshole move, but I hope you can...I don't know. It sucks, it's going to hurt, and I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you but there's literally no way to say this that isn't hurtful. There's no way this doesn't hurt. I'll force myself to read it to your face, because you don't deserve the hurt of me being a coward on top of everything.

I don't want to get married.

This isn't like a statement about life or about you or even about our relationship or anything. I just know that right now, right here, right where I am...I don't want to get married. I don't think I ever really did. I've been looking for something in my life and I thought I had to do it a certain way, but that's not fair to you. You should be with someone who wants to be with you completely, one hundred percent. Someone who wants the things you want.

I do love you, but the closer we get the more I realize that it's not enough. This isn't where I want to go, this isn't the future I want. I don't know when it changed, I just know I woke up this morning and realized it. I can't pretend it's still the same.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the clan, not now, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to be there all the time. You said you're done with the city after school and I respect that, but I'm not. I'm also done with school, which I know is going to disappoint you, but I got a job offer from the department of social services. I'm staying. There's an opening, for a foster care counselor. I can do a lot of good. This is important to me, so I'm sorry.

I guess this is kind of ironic, after how long it took for you to make me trust that you weren't going to walk out on me. I wish I could say it stuck, but I don't think it did. That part of me's still there, and I need to fix it. By myself. I'm not what you've said you wanted and I tried to be, and I feel like shit that I lied to both of us so long. I wanted to be good for you. I wanted to be the kind of person that could go home, settle down, do things the way they're supposed to be done.

I'm not. I'm just me, and I'm never going to be that person, I think. The kindest thing I guess I can do now is be honest about that.

I'm sorry I couldn't be your family.

\- Ellie


	2. Chapter 2

**Three Years Ago**

Solas had requested this meeting, and so he felt as if he should be the one to say something. It was just difficult to know where to start. It was kind of him to join for a wander, rather than meet in public somewhere. Hard to find places in the city that would accommodate his companion without fussing about the lack of a leash. Ninety was wandering at his side, a slim gray and brown shadow with her worn out ball clamped firmly in her teeth. He had tried to replace it, and the offending replacement had been thrown out of the window of the car while they were on the highway.

He hadn't tried again.

"I apologize for disturbing you. I realize now that perhaps that it was was untoward." Solas began, carefully, trying to find a way to phrase himself. "To ask for a favor, and yet make no effort at communicating otherwise."

"I was happy to do it." Sebastian replied calmly, voice even and warm, "Marian Hawke, for all of her...numerous flaws, deserved an honest chance to clear her name. She did me a good turn as well."

"She is merely a friend of a friend to me. Still."

Awkward, why was this so awkward?

Had he lost the ability entirely to connect to people? Atrophied to uselessness, trapped in an eternal state of observance, letting the world pass him...

"Solas," Sebastian interrupted his thoughts, voice just a little amused. "Brother, you are a thousand miles away."

Instantly, he felt himself relax, giving a chagrined chuckle and nodding his head. Ridiculous, he was being utterly ridiculous. Letting himself get caught up in his own mind didn't help anything.

"No one has called me that in a very long time," he said, watching as Sebastian crouched down, taking the tennis ball hopefully offered to him. "That...ah...that is a trap."

"Is it?" Sebastian asked, and threw it anyways, the misshapen ball bouncing ahead of them on the trail. "No one has seen you in a very long time."

They followed after it, and Ninety pranced sedately along beside them, ignoring the ball's trajectory entirely. He knew that she knew where it was, ears alert, nose turned daintily aside from it, as she pretended the tennis ball didn't exist. Instead, she wandered between them in figure eights, demanding attention from every hand she passed.

He'd never had to bother with a leash for her, except as a show for the public, which she endured with a dramatic sufferance worthy of awards. They'd never needed one, not since the first day he had dragged her, shivering with a broken leg out from under the trailer of an eighteen-wheeler. She'd follow him anywhere.

And she had.

Just...not to fetch a ball.

He realized he had lapsed into silence again, but Sebastian didn't seem to mind, peacefully wandering along beside him.

He wasn't certain what he was going to say, letting the silence stretch on as they followed the bike trail on foot, early morning a welcome thing. It was relatively quiet, and in quiet he could think. Not that the city bothered him so terribly these days, he was accustomed again, but this was exceedingly welcome. Starkhaven was pleasant to visit, but...

"I want to go home." He finally said, breaking the silence abruptly, the words escaping before he knew they were forming, "I...I am weary of doing nothing but traveling. I just do not know where to start."

"Things have changed," Sebastian replied, bending down to pick up the tennis ball again when they approached it, not seeming at all bothered by the dirt despite his pristine suit.

"I believe that will be for the better, in the end," he decided firmly. "A new beginning, not a continuation."

"There are some bridges you should work on rebuilding first, brother. If you have a mind to do so." Sebastian told him calmly, and then shook his head lightly at the sidelong look, "You disappeared, and cut a lot of people out. We would have liked to hear from you."

"It was a mistake." He acknowledged, trying not to dwell too much on the self-recrimination those words brought up.

When Ellana had asked him not to write to her, he had closed himself off entirely. Necessary for healing or no, it was unkind to his friends. It had been easier to keep moving, keep seeing, and he had left everything behind. Rebuilding bridges...well, he could certainly make the attempt, at the very least.

No matter how difficult.

"You should call Cassandra." Sebastian suggested.

"I will try." Solas replied, not bothering with any artifice.

Silence again, but he had a feeling it was for his benefit. He had noticed that he had a tenancy to make pauses last somewhat too long now, which could make people uncomfortable. Sebastian didn't seem bothered by it, which was kind of him.

"How are your cousin and her son?" After observing the tennis ball for a moment, Sebastian threw it at Ninety's pleading whine.

Yet again, she did not deign to chase it, leaving them all to follow after it. The lopsided old tennis ball rolled into the brush at the edge of the trail, and Sebastian forged after it without complaint, as Ninety watched him from the safety of the path. Solas gave his companion a disapproving look, which she ignored.

"Morrigan is well, in her fashion. She gives me no information on the family. I doubt it is ignorance." Solas said, obediently reaching down a hand to scratch behind pointed ears as Ninety nudged his thigh. "But I do not ask, and she does not offer. I admit curiosity, however."

"Your eldest cousin has moved out with her husband." Sebastian informed him thoughtfully, heading back up onto the trail, "The youngest has some fame online. Social media following. What are they calling it? Influencing, I believe."

Relief at the news that Sylaise and June had left, though of course he had no idea if it meant anything at all. For all he knew they were still fully under the family's thumb. Sylaise, despite her bitterness, wasn't above staying with the status quo.

"And the twins?" he asked, simply because forewarned was forearmed.

"Falon'din has been seeing a therapist, I believe. Which is something," Sebastian said, gazing down at the ball for a few moments, contemplatively. "Probably better that you don't ask how I know that."

Ninety gave another pathetic whine, prodding her nose into Sebastian's hand. Obediently, he threw the ball again, and they wandered after it as Solas fell into contemplative silence.

A bit much to hope that this meant anyone had changed, he knew better than that.

Falon'din's therapist was likely more than earning their fees.

It was snowing outside, which Ellie was happy about. She didn't have to drive in it right now, not this close to both the holiday and her due date, and was able to actually just enjoy it and not worry about the problems it caused. She'd been sitting on the couch watching out the windows when the knock on her door came, enjoying a book and trying to relax. Already knew who it was, this time of night, and tonight of all nights.

Which meant the damn date had gone badly. Again.

And when the door opened, she was hit by the smell of wine, which made her amused annoyance turn into real, snappish irritation. Not just because she couldn't have any herself.

"You're not allowed in my house drunk. You know that." Ellie said, crossing her arms under her chest, chin lifting, "Don't you dare test me, I am a ball of rage and pain right about now."

The man standing in her doorway stared back at her, blankly for a few seconds, and then sighed and unbuttoned his suit jacket. Gesturing to the red wine spilled all across his once-crisp white shirtfront, he lifted his hands afterwards in defeat.

"Did you deserve it?" Ellie asked Falon'din, stepping back from the doorway, trying not to waddle.

Waddling was so awkward, and she'd started it way too early. Being short was the pits. Being short and pregnant was even worse.

"No." He replied, brushing past her, rolling his shoulders to settle his jacket again.

Rather than respond, she just snorted eloquently and closed the door after him. Telling him to shut it himself always fell on deaf ears, and it wasn't her job to give him etiquette lessons. Hell, none of it was her job, but hey, here she was anyways, doing it.

"All right, so. It went bad." She surmised, locking up and following him into the kitchen. The dishes weren't done and there was a spaghetti sauce splat on the floor, but she was all but looking for a reason to throw him out right now.  
Let him complain or say something rude. Please.

"Fuckin' terrible." He replied, slumping into one of her kitchen chairs, all sullen glowering and sprawling limbs.

"Are you going to talk about it, or are you going to sulk?" She asked, turning to head for the fridge, "You want a drink?"

"Yeah." He retorted, and then amended at the glare she leveled over her shoulder, "Please."

Yanking out a bottle of apple juice, she grabbed a pair of mismatched glasses down from the cabinet. She'd had a panicked moment yesterday when she realized none of her dishes matched, and had nearly gone out and spent two hundred bucks she couldn't afford fixing it. How could she be a mamae with mismatched dishes?

Luckily, it'd passed.

She poured the apple juice, wishing it was still coffee like it had been years ago. She would love some coffee right about now. Going on seven years of this ridiculous farce. She was tired of it, but on the other hand, he'd made so much damn progress that she felt like she couldn't stop now.

At first it'd just been showing up at her old work on campus to threaten her, which hadn't worked, then it was to sit around and badger her about Solas. That had hurt, especially since she hadn't known anything. He'd finally stopped it and disappeared when she completely lost her shit on him, screamed him out of the coffee shop.

Eventually he'd shown back up again, but this time just to complain at her. At the time it'd seemed completely idiotic, and she'd questioned her own sanity and self-preservation instincts, but by now she was used to him. And, to his credit, his manners had gotten a lot better. After throwing him out three or four times, he'd gotten the message. Besides, no one else would listen to him. And if there was one thing Ellie was a sucker for, it was someone trying to do better in their life and struggling at it.

"Okay, so, what went so wrong?" She asked, sliding the juice in front of him, and then slowly sinking down into a seat herself, "You said everything was working out all right."

"I don't know." He replied sullenly, as expected, and then glared at the glass, "What the fuck is this?"

"It's fucking apple juice, you ass." She replied, not bothering to temper her own language, "Don't be a bitch to me. You know I have no chill right now."

After staring at the glass suspiciously for a few seconds, he finally took a sip. And then stared at it again. Ellie knew from experience that laughing at him would just make him clam up, but boy was she tempted.

"I don't know. We were talking, whatever." Falon'din said, voice gradually going more defensive.

Which meant he'd fucked up, and he knew it.

"Talking is good." She agreed, and then lifted her shoulders in a shrug, "On a first date. They tell me that's what you're supposed to do."

"She said she was into chicks." Falon'din said, cutting her off the second she opened her mouth, "I just don't see what the big fuckin' deal is."

Lifting a hand, she pressed it to her forehead, eventually giving a long sigh. No stress, the doctor told her. She had to keep her blood pressure down. But...ugh. This _again._

He really needed to see a therapist that specialized in this shit, but he'd never go.

"Yes, you do, because we talked about that." She pointed out, trying not to snap, "You already knew she was bisexual! Remember? You said you were going to be _respectful_ about it!"

"I didn't call her a lesbo! I just asked if making out with chicks helped her pick up guys." Falon'din replied, scowling at his juice. "It was just a fuckin' question."

_Urge to smack, rising._

"You were doing so good with the texting! What the fuck, dude?" She asked exasperatedly, slapping her hand on the table, "You know you don't go there. You just don't go there. I thought you really liked her."

"She was okay. I guess." Falon'din said with a small shrug, "Too fuckin' sensitive."

Silence for a few seconds, as she watched him stare at the juice, turning the glass in his hands. This self-sabotage shit was getting kind of old, but she knew how rough it was on him. Especially with all the pressure, the stuff on his shoulders right now.

"You didn't have to chase her off. There's nothing wrong with her." She told him, ducking her head as he rolled his eyes and glanced away, "You know that, right? There's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with her. There's nothing wrong with Anders, or Merrill..."

He scoffed, darkly, but didn't say anything, leaning back in the chair, into a slouch.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Fal." She told him, pointedly, enduring the inevitable noises of disgust and annoyance, "You didn't have to try and out her as a 'fake'. People are bi, that's a real thing. You can't debunk yourself."

Silence, and she lifted her juice and drained it. Rather have water, or tea, but the doctor was on her about how she'd been eating.

"It's bullshit." He finally replied, quietly.

"You'd be a lot happier if you just accepted it." She replied, not really having anything else to say on the matter that they hadn't repeated ad nauseum, "You owe her an apology."

"Yeah. Well."

"Don't fuckin' yeah well me." She snapped, thumping her glass down on the table. "Do it now. You want a cookie?"

"Yes please." He muttered without prompting, pulling out his phone.

She'd have to be satisfied with that progress, because he sure as hell hadn't made any elsewhere tonight.

**Two Years Ago**

"Do your worst, I swear. I fucking swear, you can't fucking break me." Ellie snarled viciously, making the woman standing nearby jump back about a half foot, giving her a rather spooked look. "It doesn't hurt! I am _harder_ than this!"

"Ellana, stop shouting, people will think you've lost your marbles." Deshanna ordered from the doorway, and she relaxed back against the hospital bed, letting out a sigh as the worst of the pain faded again.  
Worst, but not all of it, her back was aching so bad she was tempted to try and get up and walk again. Not that she wanted to, but if it would ease some of the pain she'd do just about anything. Carefully heaving herself over, hands instantly supporting her as Deshanna crossed the distance, she turned onto her side. It helped a little, even if she knew the nurses would probably encourage her to sit up again.

Ugh, she really didn't want to.

"Maybe I have." She muttered, wrinkling her nose at the reproving pat on her shoulder, "I'm having a baby, I can be fucking grumpy."

"Your mouth has gotten positively filthy, da'len." Deshanna chided quietly, not sounding terribly put out.

"Sorry. Mamae's okay?" She asked faintly, closing her eyes as a cool cloth wiped across her sweaty forehead and down her neck to rest at the nape. "I know, stop worrying about her."

Hard not to think about it, three generations all in the hospital together. One dying, one waiting to be born. But she had to stop thinking about it now, she'd been thinking about it for months and it didn't change a damn thing. Ellie had work to do right now.

"I told her to sleep. You're going to be a while yet, da'len, first times usually take a bit even when you get this far in. When things get quicker, we'll get her to a wheelchair and bring her in." Deshanna replied briskly, and she let out a little sigh of frustration through her nose. "Everything's fine, your sister is video calling your friend Cassandra to let her know things are moving along."

"I can't wait to get back to work." She grumbled deliriously, grateful the weeks of bed rest were finally at an end. Torture, being forced to sit around waiting for this to happen instead of _doing_ something. "Get out here already!"

"Ellana!" Deshanna chided, but she could hear the laughter in her voice. "Don't shout at your daughter."

"I should be allowed to shout at people when they're headbutting their way out of me.." She grumbled, and then reached out blindly as the next contraction started, finding a pair of hands already reaching for hers. "Baby, oh...my baby."

So much struggle to get to this point, her bank account emptied, nerves strained to breaking for ages. But she had her, and she was nearly here, the one thing she'd been waiting for to make her family complete. It wasn't the way most people would do it, and nobody really seemed to understand why she'd done it this way, but it didn't matter. It was right. She'd done things the way she was supposed to for so long, gone to school, gotten a career, been responsible and smart. She'd nearly even gotten married. Followed the path.

No more. Now the world could do things Ellie's way for once.

"Baby, the world wants to meet you." She whispered fiercely, clutching at the hand in hers, teeth gritted against the pain. "A whole world, waiting just for you."

This was what she wanted, what she had always wanted.

A hello in a world of goodbyes.

...You would find it amusing, I think, to realize I have taken up one of the most banal of hobbies. Birdwatching. It is entirely true, and it happened by chance some three years ago. The hobby, amusingly, has clung on stubbornly, though these days I see mostly pigeons. I was staying in an old motel lost somewhere between Ansburg and Wycome, along a stretch of nearly-abandoned highway. The place stayed in business, from what I could tell, for misplaced tourists and those who tired of camping in the nearby national park.

Someone had left behind a book in one of the drawers, in lieu of the ever-present Chant, a dusty old thing with faded pictures. Birds of the Free Marches. Any other time it would have merely been a passing curiosity, but outside my window was a tiny, fierce native who seemed to consider me an interloper in her home.

A small privet hedge beside the battered front door was where she'd made her nest, and three eggs lay there in miniature perfection, a mottled shade that reminded me of coffee with too much milk. How could I deny her the right to defend her home, her children? And yet, if I left the room, it would be too much to expect that she would left in peace as she so rightly deserved. At least I, I thought, could be a respectful neighbor to her.

The first thing I did, as any sensible man would do, was to take up that battered old guidebook and search her out. My small enemy was a wren, a cursory hunt taught me, considered once as a symbol of diligence, kindness, and determination. Two of those qualities I had evidence for, the other would remain to be proven. I had hope, however, that if it were true, she and I might come to some sort of understanding.

It was in those days that I had found myself a rather interesting overnight position at the nearby truck stop, where the massive leviathans of the road came to sleep and tend to the needs of mortal men. Fascinating stories, from those who cared to tell them, and a few of my own gained, as I wrote to you of before. In the hopes of befriending my neighbor, I had began bringing back my early morning dinner to share with her.

At first she would not deign to join me, and merely scolded me vociferously from her privet until I left her crumbs and retreated to my far inferior four walls. There I would peer out through the window and sketch her as she alighted to snatch them up, one bright eye always finding me. Never before has a creature judged me so thoroughly as that wren.

But, in time, that judgment found me to be marginally tolerable.

It took nearly two weeks before she would join me, graciously descending to share my dinner as we enjoyed the sunrises and I rested my aching feet. I cannot recall a morning since those that I have felt more at peace. Food tasting better on an empty stomach, rest feeling better for honest work, and friendship more precious for having been hard won.

I have never been an easy man, but you know that all too well. I would climb a mountain out of stubbornness only to find there had been a tunnel through it all along. And yet...some of the most difficult things in life feel the most precious. The view from the top of a mountain is unparalleled.  
Perhaps I am so stubborn because it is the only way I will truly treasure what gifts I am given.

I think that is an acceptable trade-off.

**One Year Ago**

The front door of the apartment swung open, and Ellie froze, tights slung around her neck like a scarf, one shoe on, shirt completely unbuttoned. Tits out. Nowhere to hide, she was stuck. Wren wasn't even done, she'd been counting on her eating quickly this morning, but she was still tucked into her sling, going at it happily.

Hopefully without any more biting, her nipples couldn't take much more.

Zevran stepped in, took one look at her, and then sighed, shaking his head.

"I do not know why I was expecting you to be ready on time." He declared dryly, turning and closing the door behind himself, keys tucked into his pocket. "By now, I should know better, yes?"

"You really should." She agreed, and then laughed awkwardly as he immediately headed to the closet to find her shoe, "I'm sorry, Zev."

"Ellana, you do not put your shoes on before your stockings." He reminded her tolerantly, wandering out of the closet within seconds and handing her her shoe.

"I didn't want to lose it. How do you _do_ that?" She asked, utterly baffled. "I looked in there for ten minutes!"

"I am used to the grand game of 'where did the clothing go?'." He said, and then laughed at the small face she made at him, "You would be surprised where things end up. Then again..."

"Okay, okay." She laughed, tossing the shoe onto the couch, kicking off the other one to join it, "I'm gonna have to pump when I get there, can you grab a bag out of the fridge for her? I think she's trying to grow again or something."

"Of course." Zevran agreed, extending his hands to her as she reached into the sling, "Ah, there is the most beautiful girl in Thedas. Good morning, my darling dear."

"Don't let the most beautiful girl in Thedas barf on you." She suggested, as he took the happy, if slightly milk-drowsy Wren out of her arms and tucked her against his shoulder, "There's a stack of spit up rags on the dryer."

"I know where they are." He replied tolerantly, heading into the kitchen, voice lifting, "She has not spit up in nearly three months, Ellana."

"Paranoia! The one day we forget to use a rag she'll decide she wants to start again!" Ellie called back, despite knowing better. "Where are you guys going today?"

While Zevran packed the bag in the laundry room, she hastily shoved her boob back into her bra and clipped it closed. As deft a maneuver as buttoning up her shirt these days, which she followed by plopping on the couch and tugging on her tights at last.

"The twins' mother has requested I take them on a trip to the zoo. You need not worry, Wren's admission is free." He informed her, voice lifted a bit apologetically, "I realize you have likely not taken her before..."

It did sting, just a little, but she had to be practical about it. It was one of the sacrifices she was going to have to make. Not every 'first' could be for her, especially not when, she reminded herself, she was getting a nanny at basically half of the price. Zevran was saving her poor paranoid mommy nerves on a daily basis, she needed to be flexible. Still, at least she could make it more special than just being carted around to stare at the animals.

"I'm assuming you're taking them to a gift shop on your way out?" She said, trying to remember if the twins were the one with the stuff-crazy mother or not. "Maybe just a little stuffed animal, if you see there's anything she likes?"

"Understood. Largest, most unwieldy toy in the shop." Zevran agreed, grinning at her as he wandered out with the diaper bag over his shoulder, "Merrill would like to know if you are coming to dinner this week."

Cursing mentally, she hopped to her feet and yanked her tights up the rest of the way, tugging them up her thighs awkwardly until they settled. Pulling her skirt down, she wandered over to find her purse, digging it out from under her coat and finding her wallet.

"I'll try." She promised, already knowing she wouldn't, "Maybe Saturday, I don't know."

Good, she had cash for once. Fishing out a couple of twenties, she wandered over to pass them over, extending them in two fingers. He grabbed them, tucked them into the bag, and then chuckled at her, shaking his head.

"What?" She asked, going to grab her shoes.

"You are still wearing the sling. A new accessory, perhaps?" He replied, and then smiled deeper when she yanked it off, "I would tell Merrill not to expect you, but I think it would be easiest if we met there tonight after work. Wren and I need to be working on our pinball score."

"Zev..." She protested, and then gave in with a small sigh, "Okay, you win. I'll meet you at Isabela's tonight, then."

"Have a good day, dear." He said mockingly, heading for the door.

"Wait!" She exclaimed, yanking on a shoe and staggering towards the door, a foot in hand, "I need my kiss goodbye!"

Obediently Zevran paused in front of the door, as she tucked her face over his shoulder and covered her daughter's face in kisses. Wren squealed happily, latching fingers in Ellie's hair, tangling her and Zevran together as they both tried to get themselves free.

"I'll see you guys later." She promised when she finally got herself free, giving Wren one last nuzzling kiss to her cheek, "Bye bye, baby. Mamae loves you."

The sweet coo that she got in response was enough to get her through the day.

Dear Ellana,

I had the dream again.

The others have started to fade, but solitude that deepens as the years pass has made it difficult to fight off them off entirely. I confess, I have not wanted to. I know. Selfish. I tell myself, promise myself that I will not make you into something less- or more than who you were. I will not. I have not, but...

It was the first time that I could imagine what freedom might truly be like.

I have wanted to return there, to that place in the woods, but I doubt I could ever recapture that feeling again. I do not know if I deserve to, with how our lives have worked out. I resented you, after I left. I suppose you would not be surprised by that, but it is unflattering to admit. I resented you with a surprising ferocity in my lowest moments, for a crime that I always knew was mine and not your own.

You never needed me, not the way I needed you. I was suffering under the weight of the burdens built out of family and my own mistakes, and you took it from my shoulders so easily. The moment you forgave me for how I had treated you, I realized then that I had you in my life by your own grace, your own choice. Your love was a gift, mine was born from a deep and hollow place starved for acceptance.

There never was any tether holding you to me but your own affections.

The sorrow of that revelation was never more fierce than it was that night in the woods. The night I knew that when I left, you would not come with me. I was selfish, younger then and so certain that every moment was life or death. I thought that the burning need I felt for you was a cure, a solution. I thought that it was the ideal. What else could we want? It was what the world told us that love should be.

I was dangerously close, then, to putting you on a pedestal so high that I would never take you down from it. If I had stayed, I worry, I nearly cringe to think how much more of my burden I would have expected you to carry. I doubt you would have endured it, you had your own burdens to bear. You deserved someone who could be your equal, your partner, and I was a severely damaged man, one who needed to discover his own self-worth

It does not diminish the beauty of that night to admit its flaws. Rather, it only highlights the exquisite fragility of it, making it more precious in its rare perfection. Fire chasing the edges of your body, burning the images into my mind so profoundly that when I close my eyes even now I see you standing there, night sky overhead, and the wolf himself staring back at you.

I hope you will forgive me for painting you. I have done everything I could to heal, to become the man I should have been all along. I will never be able to purge that image from me, and the youthful, awed sensations of that time that threaten to consume any hope I might have of finding a small place in your life again. Perhaps putting it on canvas at last will help. We shall call it an exorcism, dispelling the ghost of what was.

Hopefully to replace it with what has yet to be.

I worry about you. I have tried, so hard, to make myself nothing but a memory for you, but it has nearly been a decade. Is that enough space for you? I certainly hope so.

I have not felt brave enough to risk the rejection, Ellana, but the time is coming. So much has changed. I have changed. All I want is to hear you tell me that I have done what you told me to do. That I have made our sacrifice into something worthwhile. You told me once that all I ever had to do was try. I have tried.

I have tried, and now I can truly say I have done everything I could. I am at peace with it, with my efforts, my successes and failures. I am at peace with my past, and I am ready to face the future. I am uncertain how to begin, to fold myself back in to living life and not simply observing it, but I recognize that I need to.

It would mean everything to me if you would allow me into your life. Perhaps we could be friends, and I can divorce you at last from the letters I have written to your memory. This is the last one I will write. It has helped me immensely over the years to have someone to write to, even if it has been to a figment of my own imagination, some version of you existing only in my mind. She is gone. Long gone, and I realize the woman you are now is a stranger. I would like to know you again, but it requires that I sacrifice this last piece of you I have clung to. And so, I say thank you, and goodbye at long last. My heart is all the better for having been in your care for a time, even as brief as it was.

I hope that the woman you are now sees enough value in the man I have become to call me your friend one day.

You have your freedom, back to a memory where you belong.

**Four Months Ago**

The cheek smushed into the crook of her arm was starting to flush with sleep, pursing Wren's lips into a silly little duck face as she breathed contentedly. Still too soon to move her, if she wasn't completely asleep, the slightest nudge would have her fully awake in seconds and refusing to go back down again. With her uncaught hand, Ellie brushed the hair out of her daughter's face, tucking short strands behind one little pointed ear. It was nice to have someone in the apartment that could sleep peacefully right now.

"Tel'enfenim, da'len, irassal ma ghilas. Ma garas mir renan- ara ma'athlan vhenas..." She continued singing, a low, barely-melodic whisper. Then again, Ellie wasn't exactly the greatest singer at the best of times, but at least the birdy seemed to like it.

The song was old, a memory that made an idiot of her, tears starting to trickle down the side of her nose. She'd cried enough, the last few years, over the exact same thing, but if she thought she'd gotten all of the grief out of the way, she'd been wrong.

Tears weren't new, and they weren't a cause for panic. They just were.

"Ara ma'athlan vhenas..." She whispered, throat too choked for singing any more.

Inhaling sharply, she lifted her hand to wipe away tears before they could drip and risk waking her. About ten minutes, and she could probably get her arm free. She was sniffing quietly when an angled shaft of light cut across the dark room, door cracking open as Mira poked her head in.

"She asleep?" Her sister asked, voice hushed, eyes narrowing a little as Ellie peeked over her shoulder at her. "Aw, El."

"I'll be fine. Just my luck the lullaby she likes is the one mom used to sing us." She declared ruefully in a quiet voice. "Really, I'm okay. Did you order dinner?"

"Yeah. Hey, listen..." Mira started softly, a little awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot in the doorway. "I've got a weird question? Like, actually weird, not us weird, and I'm sorry, but..."

"Spit it out, bug." She ordered wryly, and then sighed and turned back, gently extricating her arm from under Wren. She made a small sleepy noise when rolled onto her side, but luckily didn't rouse as the blanket was tucked behind her.

With a soft creak and crinkle of the mattress, she rose to her feet, wiping her eyes one last time as she turned for the light. Mira stepped back out of the doorway, and she followed her into the living room.

"I was talking to Cass, after the ceremony. And she said she's been talking...to Solas." Mira said, and she bit back the instinctive kneejerk annoyance. "And, I don't know, she said he asked how I was doing, so I thought I could...say hi."

"You're an adult." She replied, well aware it was kind of sharp, though she throttled it back as she closed the bedroom door carefully. "I can't control who you talk to. It was probably just a friendly question, though, I doubt he's got time for the likes of us."

"Why are you so weird about him?" Mira asked, and then scoffed when she sighed heavily and brushed past her towards the kitchen. "Ellie, I'm sorry, but it's getting weird. You know it is."

"I'm sorry it's weird that I don't want to talk to a guy I dated for a couple of months in college. And that it's apparently not weird that my little sister does." She replied in an absent-minded murmur, tired brain rejecting the notion of actually thinking about the accusation. She had way too much to actually worry about right now. "Do you want me to just go down the list of all the people I've ever dated, so you can call them up for a chat? Do you go get tea with Hunter and Nami, or do we ignore the ones I dated in highschool?"

"You're being a dick." Mira accused stubbornly, and then added with a hint of a grin, "And Hunter tried to hit on me at a party, actually. In front of my girlfriend."

"Oh my creators, he still goes to high school parties...why am I not surprised?" She asked herself bemusedly, yanking the stopper out of a bottle of wine and grabbing her coffee mug. A cursory glance showed no liquid in the bottom, so she emptied the quarter bottle into it. "Thirty year old man, chasing eighteen year old girls. That's just sad."

"You're not even going to pour me a glass?"

"No, I'm establishing dominance." Ellie replied mildly, lifting the mug and taking a small sip. "Next I'm gonna sit on you, and eat all the best bits off of your pizza."

"I know where you keep the other bottles." Mira pointed out, ducking around her and heading for the small laundry room off the kitchen.

"Leave the pinot! I'm saving that, it was a present!" Ellie ordered, and then sighed and slumped against the counter. "Bug I don't care if you talk to him, just don't talk to him about me."

"You know what's weird about this, right? You guys share like..ten friends, and ALL of them like...have to actively avoid talking about him to you. That's the weird part, Ellie." Mira retorted, speaking over her wordless protest. "It's true! That's the weird part. Not Cass hanging out with him, not him saying hi to me, but you forcing a whole group of people to pretend he doesn't exist."

"I do...not..." She mumbled reflexively, and then fought to defend herself, "I never asked anyone to do something like that."

"They're doing it to protect you. They've always done it to protect you." Mira replied pointedly, and then sighed as Ellie squinted her eyes shut and scowled. "I know, you didn't ask them to, but...habit, I guess."

"I can't control other people, you can't pin that on me at all." She mumbled irritably, reaching up a hand to rub her forehead. "And it's not _that_ bad."

"Ellie, you have the same tattoo artist, for fuck's sake. And don't you dare tell me this is normal for you, because I know Jun invited you to his wedding and you talk sometimes." Mira pointed out, eyes already waiting for her when Ellie opened them reluctantly. "What the hell is so different about Solas that you can't even deal with talking to him?"

"I don't...actually know. I know the story is that I put him on his path or whatever, but I had no purpose before I met him, and I was on track to _really_ screw up my life. I didn't give a shit." She finally admitted, fiddling with the coffee cup in her hands. "He didn't save me, and I didn't save him, but we gave each other something to grab onto when we needed it, and when it ended...it was traumatic, honestly. I know that sounds dramatic, and it _was_ dramatic, but I shouldn't invalidate my feelings by pretending that makes it less real."

"Was it really that hard?" Mira asked, sounding a bit less forceful.

"It was. Way more than I expected...I think maybe I sabotaged it from the start, I don't know." Ellie said, staring down into the mug, lips tightening. Ridiculous to refuse to talk about it, it was old, long gone. "I kinda always knew it wasn't going to work out. I had...a lot of self-esteem issues, and something to prove. I just never expected to fall in love with him. There was a lot there, bug, two messed up people figuring out what it meant to be themselves in the middle of a big old clusterfuck."

"Boys always leave." Mira declared in a sardonic little mumble, and then shook her head, reaching for the corkscrew as she set the bottle on the counter. "I beat myself up for ages about saying that to you, you know, when I finally found out he'd left."

"Yeah, well...mom had her own issues, we can love her, acknowledge them, but refuse to carry them around ourselves." Ellie declared, and then lifted her shoulders in a little shrug. "Nothing, and no one is perfect. Love's a weed, not a delicate flower, bug. It can grow wherever you give it a chance, that's why you have to be careful with it."

The wine popped open noisily, a few drops spatting on the counter. She was disturbingly good at that. Ellie wasn't sure if she should be worried or not. Well, she was an adult, technically, and a legal one here. So all she could do was hope her little sister was ready to take care of herself. Sober and drunk.

"And sometimes liberal amounts of bullshit helps it grow." Mira replied flatly, and then laughed and lifted the open wine bottle to clink against Ellie's mug when she tilted it.

"Do what you want." Ellie assured at last, finding it wasn't so hard to say now that she stopped trying to hide from it. "The world doesn't revolve around my issues."

"What are you gonna do, if he shows up back up again, Ellie?" Mira asked hesitantly, setting the bottle back down on the counter and picking up her wine glass. "I mean...he's talking to Cass again, and then there's Sebastian..."

"Be weird, probably. Become more of a hermit." Ellie decided, and then gave a faint laugh under her breath as her sister rolled her eyes, their conversation interrupted by the doorbell. "Go get the pizza before he wakes up the baby, please."

"Just because people go, Ellie, doesn't mean they can't come back." Mira told her, voice fading as she disappeared to answer the door.

She wasn't sure what was scarier about that statement.

That it was true, or that it wasn't.

**Two Months Ago** ****

The day was waning, sun casting narrow shafts of light through a wrought fence, a honeyed glow that washed over an ancient stone street and gilded dingy buildings. Beautiful enough to catch the eye, make the pressure of unaccustomed crowds and noise fade into a soft background thrum, the heartbeat of Kirkwall.

Being back in the city was difficult. He could acknowledge the beauty of it and still realize that. Yet, in that acknowledgment, the realization that he had made himself so distant from this sort of life and his own memories that it had become jarring, unpleasant. The familiar had been something to be avoided for so long that his own instincts were fighting against him.

"I think we need to work on becoming accustomed to living among people again, not merely stopping in for a brief visit." He said mildly, picking up his glass of water again, and chuckling faintly at the whining grumble of response. "Yes, I agree. An unpleasant prospect, but...neither of us are getting any younger."

This time he received a sigh, and the demanding press of a nose to the top of his knee. Glancing under the table, he met dark eyes that closed as he reached down and scratched between her pointed ears. The dog grumbled again, pulling back to shake her head violently until her tags jangled.

He was feeling much the same, the noise made his ears ache, made him feel more alienated, separated, not less. Ten years of being alone with his thoughts had made it difficult enough that he nearly regretted the choices that had brought him back again.

Yet, even with that discomfort, a gentle, quiet longing. Watching people converse, wander the streets hand in hand, wend in and out of small shops and restaurants had brought something back to life inside of him. Seeing Cassandra yesterday for the first time in a very long time had been surprisingly pleasant, even if they didn't quite know how to relate to one another any more. Time would take care of that, simply enough.

He had thought he had made a companion of loneliness, but here among people again it no longer brought him peace. Now nearly every single precious connection he had severed was something he was desperate to repair. At least he had begun. Time would prove if he could, or not, and if nothing else, new ones could be forged.

Not for the first time today, he found himself gazing off into the middle distance, blurs of color and light snapping back into focus when he blinked. The noise rushed back in, but this time it was not so burdensome. Softened by the encroaching evening, it felt almost...bearable. And even if it were not, in less than a week he would have to leave again. He could try to work himself back into the city, bit by bit, until he felt ready at last to settle fully.

To find a home.

"Will it really be so terrible, Ninety? I seem to recall there is a park a few blocks away." Rising to his feet, he tossed the end of his pastry under the table for her, reaching aside for his bag. "We can find a bit of nature to keep us grounded. _Garas_."

Leaving behind payment on the table, he rose, adjusting his bag and tucking both hands into the pockets of his sweater. Without further complaints, Ninety rose and trotted after him, an ever-present shadow.

Together, somewhat reluctantly, they wandered back into civilization.


	3. Chapter 3

The diner was quiet in the morning, something he valued. The last few months had been unsteady, coming into town and leaving again, lingering a bit longer every time. Difficult to say he was 'home' when he kept leaving it, and had no place yet to call his own. Adamantly he fought the need to rent, however sensible it might be. He wasn't feeling sensible. If he was going to settle at last, he was going to do it properly, in a home of his own.

At least finding familiar places to spend his time was a sort of home. It was pleasant to spend some time with Leliana and her wife, at the very least. They were good company.

A plate, gleaming white in the sunlight streaming in from the window was slid in front of Solas, and an upward glance noted the wedge was slightly bigger than standard. That was kind of Josephine, but he had noticed before that kindness was one quality she did not lack in the least. Politely he closed his computer, slid it aside to tuck against the wall. The work could wait a while.

"I realize that pie is no more unhealthy than a standard breakfast pastry, but it is a bit odd you keep ordering it for breakfast." The brisk Antivan lilt drew his gaze upwards, and she smiled as he met her eyes, head tilting to the side. "Also, I thought that you were going out of town again? Sera said you were."

"Tired of my stories so soon, Josephine?" He asked, and then smiled as she immediately started flustering. "I was only teasing. Tomorrow. I am leaving tomorrow."

"Ah. The days have been running together as of late." She admitted, smiling as he tilted his head. "It has been quite busy."

"Have you considered hiring more help?" He inquired, guessing at her long sigh, "No luck, I take it?"

"It is just quite hard to find reliable people. The girl we had working the evening shift simply...stopped showing up." Josephine declared exasperatedly, throwing up her hands and then stopping midway through the gesture as the front door opened. "Excuse me, won't you, Solas?"

"Of course, go right ahead." He invited absent-mindedly, hiding a smile at a very long, gusty sigh from under the table. "It seems I have to apologize yet again to my better half."

"Just keep her under the table." Josephine ordered, and then shook her head as she paced away, loud enough that he could barely hear her murmur, "I do not know why I agreed to let you have her in here..."

"We may be wearing out our welcome, Ninety." He informed the nose poking out from under the table, resting on his knee. A pair of liquid, dark eyes peered at him out of the darkness, closing as he lowered a hand and scratched the rangy dog between her ears. "Stop being so jealous. You like Josephine."

A grumbling whine was his response, but she stopped sighing, at the very least. Lifting his other hand, he set to eating his breakfast. He was in a contemplative mood this morning, after the events of last night.

Seeing Ellana again had been...so unexpectedly emotional, some of those emotions he wasn't quite willing to admit just yet. She had been right, of course, that it may have just been ten years of accumulated nostalgia confusing things, but he liked to think he could read people fairly well. Some of it was quite obviously defensiveness, walls that he had absolutely no business trying to work around. All he could hope was that they could find a way to get along within the limits she chose.

Leaving tomorrow was for the best right now. He could see her today, in the light of day, without the distraction of her daughter making her close off. Just the two of them, getting to know one another again.

It was selfish, to want her back in his life again. He could admit that, not bother tying it up in some self-righteous nonsense. He wanted her back in his life because it had been ten years, and whatever emotional wounds he bore from their brief and life-altering relationship had long since healed. He wanted her back in his life because he was finally at a point in his life where he felt she could be proud of him, and he could be the friend to her he had been incapable of being before.

He had the security of knowing that no matter if their sacrifice had been truly worth it or not, he could stand before her now having accomplished something out of it. That he hadn't only been a coward abandoning the woman he had loved because he couldn't face his own family. It was hard to know if he had fulfilled her demand in truth, but he had tried. He had tried his best, and once a long time ago, she had told him that was what mattered.

'Be incredible.' she'd ordered him on the day he left her, and he had clung to it, especially at the beginning. Months of misery, and then years of wandering that had healed over those open wounds. Her demand had become a goal, something to work for, something to give it all a greater purpose. A journey he had chronicled, written as a testament. A journey to become the man he should have been from the very start. He didn't blame himself for that now, what his family had made him, what had nearly destroyed his chance for a happy life.

Reflection, and some outside help had untangled some of the egregious mess that had been his upbringing. He was at peace with it now, as much as he felt he could be.

Simply being in the same city as them, no matter how big a city it was, was always unnerving despite that peace. He could not be unmoved by the very foundations of the man he was.

It was a reality he was prepared for, something he believed he could handle now.

Of course, speaking of family meant speaking of all of them, including the one pushing through the front door, followed by a small darting figure that found him in seconds and made a beeline for the table. As always happened, once his erstwhile nephew appeared, Ninety's affections abandoned him entirely. They'd bonded quickly, which surprised him. She didn't care for people as a whole, generally, but it seemed children, or at least this one was the exception.

As Kieran climbed up onto the booth next to him, the head left his knee, and poked the six year old in the stomach, letting out a small huff as the boy grabbed her ears with both hands to scratch in affectionate greeting.

"I missed you, Ninety," Kieran informed the dog in his sober, calm voice, before glancing up and aside at him at last. "Can we take her to the park, please?"

"We are having breakfast, Kieran," Morrigan pointed out dryly as she approached the table, letting out a faint sigh. "At least, you and I are. Your uncle, I believe, is yet again defying the system in the most pointless of ways."

"I enjoy pie. Despite all efforts to the contrary, I remain a picky eater," he protested, knowing it was all but pointless. "If it will soothe your feelings, I will have a piece of toast while you eat."

"Tis not my feelings you should be worrying about, but your physique. You _are_ getting older," Morrigan replied tartly, but he could see her hiding a sly smile as she opened the menu. "Although you have managed to get some of the effects of aging out of the way in advance."

"That was low." He smoothed a hand over his head, and she chuckled faintly. "I will walk you both to the shop afterwards, if you like, or Kieran and I can stop by the park. I do have a lunch engagement, however."

"Ninety wants to go to the park," Kieran declared, and then added, "Mother, I need to use the bathroom."

"By all means. Would you like the pancakes with chocolate chips?" Morrigan replied, settling down at the table.

"Yes! Thank you, mother!" Kieran confirmed, brightening visibly.

"You are quite welcome," she replied indulgently, and then watched as he popped to his feet and darted off again.

Reaching down a hand, Solas gently caught Ninety's collar before she could stand and chase after him. She gave a token whining protest, but sat back down immediately at his quiet Elven command. Lifting his gaze, he met Morrigan's as she gazed at him across the table.

"I am surprised they allow your animal in a dining establishment," she said pointedly.

"The owner is a friend, but I am likely taking advantage of it," he admitted, keeping his voice lowered. "I wished to do some work this morning, and she is unused to being apart from me for long."

"People indulge you too often," Morrigan accused, but more arch than unpleasant. "Your iconoclastic persona seems to have some benefits."

"Unintentional, for the most part." He chuckled when she raised both brows. "I did say the most part, Morrigan."

"Well, you did learn to manipulate from an expert," she said, but blocked off his narrowed gaze with her lifted menu.

A small sting, but he could acknowledge some truth in it. He had learned skills in his upbringing that, willing to use or no, could be turned to other purposes. He certainly wasn't going to say 'nobler', as that seemed rather disingenuous.

"Are you done chiding me? I suppose this explains your son's exemplary manners," he teased, rather than rising to her bait. "I would be as well behaved if I had you at my heels."

"He is exceptionally well-behaved, is he not?" Morrigan asked with a brief moment of softness in her voice, glancing up and across to where Kieran disappeared. "I am fortunate, indeed."

"No. You are a good mother," he replied firmly, and was graced with one of her very rare smiles, genuine but guarded.

"And what about you, cousin? Now that you are determined to 'settle down', as they say, what exactly are your plans?" she asked, setting her menu aside, settling back in her seat to stare at him intensely."I wonder that you have chosen to stop here, after everything. Is there some other purpose behind it?"

He smiled slowly, hiding his private thoughts behind it as he slowly shook his head. Whatever she thought he had planned, it was far from the truth, he would wager.

"It is my home, Morrigan. Not everything is a plot," he told her, and then chuckled. "I promise you I am not interested in swooping in when everything inevitably begins to crumble."

"I hope so, for your sake, Solas." Morrigan said, glancing aside as Kieran crossed the dining room again, moving to join them, "For they are indeed crumbling. Not just family, but all the castles they have built."

"I know," he said simply.

By unspoken agreement, they turned the conversation to pleasanter things when the boy returned to join them. It wasn't a topic he was terribly interested in, to be quite honest. Being a participant in his estranged family's downfall seemed about as unpleasant as spectating it maliciously. Neither interested him.

Hopefully they felt the same about bothering him.

As always, naps were more of a wish than an actuality for Ellie.

Once she and Wren had said goodbye to Alistair and come home from their jog, Cassandra was already parking at the corner. The three of them walked up together, chatted while Ellie got Wren changed and packed for the zoo. Which meant diapers.

Ellie knew it was time to start the potty training, she'd been mentally preparing since eighteen months, but it always seemed to be 'next weekend' that would be the time to start. They had the books, they had the doll and the plastic potty, they just had to buckle down and get through it.

Probably just about time to bite that bullet, like the big girl bed.

Once they'd gone and the house was quiet, she spent an hour or so on paperwork. When the text from Solas came in at eleven, she'd maybe been checking her phone for a while. Yes, she was nervous, and she kept reassuring herself it was natural. Normal. Nothing to be hard on herself about.

_Keep saying it, maybe you'll believe it._

It would have been nice to have been able to tell Cassandra what she was doing this afternoon. Then she would have had someone to tell her she was being ridiculous when it took her a half hour to figure out what she was going to wear. Casual, but not too casual. Right? Too casual and it would seem like she was completely relaxed and at ease with him, but too formal wasn't good either. It was just...lunch with an old friend. Someone she didn't know any more, someone she had been avoiding for over ten years now. And yeah, she had been avoiding him. Denying it wouldn't make this any bloody easier, no reason to do it.

Finally she'd settled on nice jeans, a t-shirt, and a cardigan instead of the sweatshirt she wanted to wear. And heels. Which she never even wore for work, but reasonably, looking in the mirror, they made her look less casual. And taller.

Both good things.

When she finally felt armed for battle, she grabbed her purse and headed out. The place he'd suggested she'd never been, but neither had he. Neutral territory.

Why did she keep framing this to herself like it was going to be a fight?

Unfortunately, on the way over there, her mind didn't get any more clear about all of it. She drove for once, in case she ended up needing a hasty retreat, and because she'd spent too much time getting ready and was almost late. By the time she found parking he was already there waiting. She saw him through the window, sitting at a table, watching the street. Of course he was. Anyone else would be staring at their phone, but no, not him.

He looked a million miles away.

She made it to the restaurant through sheer momentum, feet taking over while her brain decided to start freaking out. The front door opened and she saw out of the corner of her eye when his attention shifted to her. For a second it made her pause. No, no, she'd decided she was going to do this.

Steeling herself, drawing her shoulders back and tightening her jaw, she stormed across the floor. Yanking the chair out, she plopped in it, lips pursed tightly, fighting back her nerves with all of her might.

_Yeah. Not that easy._

Somehow, despite her own brain yelling at her for it, she was back up on her feet the instant her butt hit the chair. Spinning around, she started fleeing just short of an actual run. The litany of cursing going on in her head just got louder the closer she got to the exit, volume rising until it drowned out conscious thought. Reaching for the door, she stopped herself, closed her eyes, and let out a long breath.

What the _fuck_ was she doing?

Somewhat defeated, she turned around again and returned to the table, shaking her head every step of the way. The chair was still out, and she settled into it, elbows thumping on the table, face falling into her palms.

"Hello, Ellana." Solas finally said, not even bothering to hide his amusement.

"Hi, Solas." She replied, muffled by her hands and rising despair. "I'm being cool and composed, is it working?"

"Perfectly. No one is staring at you." He assured, voice so calm that she almost felt inclined to believe him. "Would you like something to drink?"

Breathing in, she lifted her head and raked her hair back with both hands, straightening up from her slouch and tugging down her sweater. No, this was her brain panicking, not being sensible. She could handle this. Just a couple deep breaths, reign yourself in like an adult. Right. Not too casual, but casual. She just had to find that spot, and maintain it, that was all.

"Yes, thank you. Can we pretend it's before noon, so I can have a coffee?" She asked, flashing a faintly wry smile, avoiding focusing on a few lingeringly curious glances.

"Luckily, I have a poor grasp of time. It seems to be before noon to me." He said, leaning back in his seat as she finally turned her attention back to him.

Again, just like last night, she was struck yet again just how damn good he looked. Comfortable in his skin, relaxed, maybe a few more freckles and some lines at the corners of his eyes. Those eyes were the same, though, that shade of blue she'd been struck by the first time she'd saw him. They were fixed on her, and ignoring her lingering anxiety, she met them for a few seconds, just drinking it in.

"This only has to be uncomfortable if we choose for it to be." He reminded her quietly.

"My default state seems to be uncomfortable." She retorted impishly, and then smiled as he shook his head. "That's what happens when stuff you've been ignoring for a decade comes back to bite you in the ass."

"I will try to restrain myself from doing so." He said, and then smiled subtly at her small, surprised laugh.

The joke helped, thankfully, some of the tension in the air oozing away.

"Walked right into that." She murmured with a shake of her head, bracing her chin with the heel of her hand, forging onward hurriedly in the hope of making things relax, "So, what's in Nevarra?"

"My trip tomorrow?" He asked, continuing when she nodded, "A review I agreed to write for an acquaintance. Nothing terribly exciting, simply a weekend's excursion. I have a longer one awaiting me at the end of the month, to Antiva City. Only a week."

"What happened to coming home?" She teased, ducking her chin as he laughed and glanced aside, avoiding her stare, "Done wandering, wanting to settle down and hide?"

"I still have responsibilities." He said, laughter lingering in his voice, "Nothing is as simple as we would like."

"No, I guess not." She agreed, and then gave a long, slow sigh, "Nothing is."

"I still would like to find somewhere to settle down, unfortunately it will likely be a long process." He said, giving a small shake of his head, "Hotels for a while longer."

She gave a faint 'hmm', lapsing into silence as a waiter brought over Solas' water, giving her a chance to order a coffee herself. The menus were set down between them, but she didn't reach for one herself, gaze caught by his wrist as he extended his hand across the table, cuff of his shirt pulling up.

"You finished it?" She asked, words tumbling out before she could restrain them, excitement rising, "I didn't think you actually would have."

"Of course I did." He replied, setting his water aside.

Before she could react or even realize what he was doing, he reached behind his neck and pulled his henley shirt over his head, dragging it down his arms. Ellie might have been flustered, but there was ink to examine. Besides, he was wearing an undershirt, it wasn't like he'd gone nips out in a restaurant. As she rose from her seat, he rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt up to the shoulder, giving her a clear view of the finished tattoo.

Excitement or no, she did make a point to remember to keep her hands to herself.

"He did such a good job." She sighed, shaking her head as she examined the black design stretching from his shoulder to wrist, the former having been the only part she'd seen before. "Nathaniel does such good work."

"He did have some help from the artist." Solas replied placidly, meeting her wry look with a faint smile, "It is your design."

"No, it's your design." She countered, turning to head back to her seat, uncomfortably aware of how close she'd gotten to him, "It's your fingerprint. I just translated it."

"We can call it a joint effort." He suggested, lifting his glass of water to her.

Settling back in her seat, she averted her eyes as he pulled his shirt back on. Not that Ellie was averse to admiring the male form, especially biceps (and let's be honest, forearms) like that, but she was trying to behave herself. Enough weird emotions without letting her hormones join in the fun and make things even more confused.

Luckily, her coffee arriving gave her an excuse, and she took it gratefully, turning her attention to the menu.

"Funny that you turned out to be the artist, in the end." She finally said, finding what she wanted easily, and setting her menu aside. Unsurprisingly, he was still perusing it.

"I would not call myself an artist." He replied absently, glancing up at her puzzled noise, "If it were not for my writing, no one would pay any attention at all to my painting. There are many more talented artists that languish in obscurity."

"Might be true, or might not, we have no way of knowing." She said, smiling lopsidedly at his dubious 'hmm', "You make art, that's what being an artist is. My medium of choice these days is crayon."

"I have seen some interesting things made with melted crayon." Solas said, and then chuckled at her slight squint, "But I assume that was not what you meant."

"No, not really. Twelve more hours in the day and I sure could do a lot more with myself." She declared, twisting a few strands of hair back behind her ear, chin ducking as she glanced down at the menu again, "But, you know. That's life, isn't it? You never really get to do what you want, you just kind of work around the 'have to's as best you can."

"You, of all people saying that?" He asked, a slightly odd note to his voice. When she glanced up and tried to meet his eyes, she found they were averted, fixed on his menu. "Why don't you just do it, who is going to stop you? Or does it only work on other people, not yourself?"

His voice was too relaxed to take offense to, a hint of quiet teasing that she decided she actually liked. Pretend or not, he was so comfortable that it put her nerves at ease. A hard thing to do lately.

"Ouch, touche." She retorted with self-deprecating humor, and then gave a small sigh through her nose, "Maybe I'm just better at motivational speaking than motivational living."

There was probably more to say, but she wasn't willing to say it, lapsing into silence until he changed the subject.

"There is a public workshop down in East Lowtown, you can rent a few hours at very reasonable prices." Solas told her, finally setting down his menu, reaching for his water again, "I have an acquaintance that does some quite remarkable glass blowing there. They don't do basic tool renting, but they do have grinders, kilns, harder to acquire equipment. They also have live models there from time to time."

"Have you been working on anything besides painting?" She asked, before they both paused to make their orders.

As long as they kept talking, she figured she could stay calm. He hadn't really wanted to talk about himself last night, but she realized pretty quickly that by asking questions, she could keep there from being any awkward silences. He kept trying to turn it around, but it was easy enough to dodge his return questions.

She wasn't dumb enough to think he didn't know exactly what she was doing.

It just...it made her feel more comfortable. That was all. Listening to his voice, figuring him out, not having to try to think of anything to say. Besides, there were a million questions she wanted to ask. A lot of them felt invasive, though, so she tried to focus on the here and now.

He indulged her for a while, while they ate, but eventually her leftovers were packed up, and things were winding down...and she hadn't answered a single one of his questions about herself. She was starting to feel like his patience was running a little thin, but at least it had been long enough that she could escape.

"I'm surprised you're buying now, you know the housing market's not super great." She said, glancing towards the window at the street beyond, "Though I guess if you wanted a condo, that one's pretty oversaturated."

"I would prefer a bit more space than that. I doubt I will have too much trouble." He replied, setting down his empty glass, "I would like some room to grow into. What about yourself? Will Mirana be staying with you, or living on campus? She starts soon, doesn't she?"

"Who knows." She laughed, lifting her shoulders in a little shrug, "I never can tell with that kid. If you were being literal with that room to grow thing, you might have to go out to the suburbs. Not much for yards around here without paying through the nose. You going for a white picket fence?"

"Ellana," he sighed, sounding more amused than exasperated. "As much as I enjoy curiosity, are we conversing or am I being interviewed?"

Okay, well, he'd hit his limit. She supposed she could give, just a little before her tactical retreat.

"Sorry. I'm still kind of nervous." She acknowledged with a small sigh, finally admitting, trying not to let her voice break over the words, "I missed you."

Silence for a few seconds, as she fiddled with the container in front of herself and he watched her. Finally he sighed, drawing her attention up obliquely.

"I missed you as well." He told her simply, when their eyes finally met.

There it went again, just like last night. She thought she'd had it under control, all those stupid memories and emotions that had no place here. They made everything complicated, weird. Confusing. But it was all true, too. She had missed him, horribly, awfully, even beyond all the hormones and drama. Somewhere in there going from enemies to lovers, they'd become friends and never really realized it.

It was just so nice to hear his voice again.

"I think...I think I can handle this." She said, half for his benefit, half for hers, "I was afraid it would be impossible, but I don't think it is. This feels okay, but that kind of scares me, too."

"It will take time." He replied, returning her small nod with a smile, "Are you willing to try?"

"I am." She said, nodding once, "Definitely. Just, you know, carefully."

"You?" He asked teasingly, making her laugh, "Well, I suppose people do change, don't they?"

"We try, at least. And probably fail more often than not." She sighed slowly, shifting the strap of her purse up her shoulder. "I should probably be getting home, though. I hope you have a safe trip."

"Thank you. May I text you?" He asked, and then chuckled as her lips twisted to the side, "It is all right to say no."

"Yes, you can. I'm being a little silly." She said, shaking her head lightly, "Thank you for being patient with me."

"Thank you for giving me a chance." He replied, and then admitted with a wry smile, "I think I may stay a little longer and work."

It seemed like as good a time as any to get out of there. With a few other casual farewells, she gathered herself up and got the hell out of there. There. That hadn't been so bad, had it? Look at her, dealing with things like an adult. And now she could say she had, and if they ran into each other again through other friends, it wouldn't be weird or anything.

She could feel him watching her as she escaped, but couldn't bring herself to look back for one last wave.


	4. Chapter 4

Monday night, and Ellie was ready for war.

Sunday had been a night of no successes. Bladders held for fifteen minutes on the potty just so Wren could go in her diaper, screaming fits when she was tired and lost her interest in the new 'game'. The internet held no solutions, just a command to keep trying or give up entirely, and stories about moms who were apparently way better at this than her and knew it. Fuck them, seriously. Cass had promised to bring dinner, and the nanny had promised he would keep trying all day. Both would be here before too long.

Getting up from the floor, she wandered over to check and make sure the little tablet was plugged in. Her phone was next to it, perched on top of the solid table she used to hide the outlet, screen lighting up as she approached. She checked to make sure no one was running late, but it was just Solas.

Well, not _just_ him, but...

Ellie hadn't been doing a very good job of responding to his friendly overtures. By which she meant, of course, she'd been doing a shitty job at it. Not that they weren't talking, they were. He hadn't texted her while he was out of town for a weekend, but when he got back they'd chatted a little. And she'd dodged seeing him in person again, which she could admit to. He'd only invited her out once for coffee, though. Ellie had made an excuse. Now she sort of felt like the ball was sitting in her court, and she was pretending it wasn't.

It was just hard.

Stress on top of stress. Work was stressful at the best of times, and with Mira starting college, and dealing with mom passing, and with all of this piled up on her, she just couldn't manage any more. It was cowardly to keep putting him off, but she needed to cope.

When he'd gone out of town again, this time for a week, she'd started forcing herself to make an effort at conversation now and again. It was easy, honestly, once she got past her own brain. Too easy, and texting made it dangerously simple to open up, unlike face to face.

Once she'd made sure the tablet was plugged in, she grabbed her phone to respond before she psyched herself out of it.

**Solas**

17:32 Where the void are you? That pic sure doesn't look like Antiva city

_17:33 We ran away for the day, down the coast. I thought I might revisit somewhere I haven't been in some time._

17:33 All the buildings are so bright. Do they have some sort of ordinance that keeps people from painting them more normal colors? :P

_17:36 You know, I believe they likely do. They are more faded than they appear in that photo, but, it is a point of pride, and a tradition. I doubt too many people try to fight the trend._

17:37 I've never been further than the border I think, into Antiva. I keep saying I'll go on vacation but you know how it is.

_17:38 No, not really._

17:38 HA! No I guess you wouldn't. Though a vacation for you might be staying somewhere for more than a week

_17:39 I was in town for a week and a half._

_17:40 But you are correct, it was a pleasant change of pace._

_17:41 My flight is on Thursday, if I recall correctly. I considered driving back, but I would have to spend some time finding a car._

17:43 Couldn't you just rent one?

_17:43 It would be less expensive to buy one outright. Buying one would mean I would be able to fix it up and resell it, possibly even make a small profit._

17:45 Didn't think money was that tight for you

_17:48 It is not. I simply see no reason to give up habits that save me money. Besides, I enjoy working on cars, I find it meditative._

17:50 Wow you really have changed

17:50 I mean I knew it

17:51 I guess it just really hit home again

_17:55 Do you have any plans for this weekend?_

17:56 Beyond the usual? IDK why do you ask?

_17:57 You are aware that I do not know what 'the usual' is, yes?_

17:57 I have a two year old. You do the math, Solas.

_17:57 A fair point! There is a live model drawing Saturday evening that I was invited to attend by an acquaintance. It would be nice to have someone to go with._

17:58 OH how the tables turn

_17:58 Unlike you, I ask before I pay._

17:59 I'll think about it, best I can do. Sorry gotta see what's going on and we're in the middle of toilet training.

_18:00 Already?_

18:06 She's starting preschool in 3 weeks so I want to try. :/

_18:07 School? Really?_

18:08 3-4 preschool 4-5 kindergarten. She's a new year baby practically so I could wait until next year or try this year. Teacher said she's ready, and I feel like the enrichment would be good for her. She needs more social interaction w/peers.

_18:09 How do you feel about that?_

18:10 ...terrified :P

_18:11 There is nothing braver than being afraid and doing what must be done regardless._

18:11 And on that note, the boss is home. Enjoy Antiva.

Setting her phone down on the island, Ellie tried to remember what she'd been in the kitchen for. Wandering and texting tended to make her brain shut down a little. Too many things going on at once. The front door closed while she stared at the cabinets, pursing her lips and letting out a little sigh.

"Welcome home. What was I doing?" she called into the other room."I walked into the kitchen to do something, and now I can't remember what it is?"

"Laundry," an amused voice supplied from the other room.

Snapping her fingers, Ellie pushed into the laundry alcove, sighing to herself as she noticed the open, half-empty dryer. She really needed to stop doing that. Switching the loads took no time at all, and she dumped a new one in. A small victory, though a mountain remained waiting to be cleaned. Hitching the basket up on her hip, she passed through the kitchen.

The living room was empty, but she could hear the arguing going on in the bathroom already. Bless him.

"Thank you," she called as she passed by the bathroom, ducking into her room to toss the basket in. When she turned around, Zevran was already leaning against the door frame, arms folded across the front of his coat. "You said no luck today?"

"No potty!" Wren demanded from the bathroom, and she heard the rattle of her kicking her heels against it.

"Then no jelly bean," Zevran told her daughter with completely obvious amusement, and then turned his attention back to Ellie, grinning. "None yet, but I would not worry. She is just being her usual uncompromising self. Once...she decides she is tired of being pestered about it, she will do it."

"I told her, if she doesn't want to compromise, she has to figure out how to manipulate people better," Ellie sighed, taking the half-empty bag of candy from him, tucking them into a pocket of her sweatshirt. "You're a freaking life saver."

"Ah, it is no problem," Zevran said, pausing at a sullen 'yes jellybean' from the bathroom. "Then yes to the potty, my darling dear." His attention shifted back again. "The twins waited until three. Maybe a bit more time?"

"The twins' mom thinks saying no is abusive. My kid's not free range," she countered, trying not to sound judgmental and failing. "I think this is what the internet tells me is 'differing parenting styles', Zev."

"I am not paid to have an opinion, in fact, one might even say I am paid to not have one, yes?" Zevran told her, wryly. "But I...understand what you mean."

He was diplomatic when he felt like it, she had to give him that. Ellie knew, though, that the twins had the tendency to run him ragged. At least he got well compensated for it. What she could afford to pay him was probably a drop in the bucket, but he never complained, never made a big deal about it. No matter what she thought of the twins' mom, the fact that she was cool with nanny sharing made Ellie grateful.

She had no idea how Zevran did it.

Though, after dealing with the twins, Wren probably barely registered on his work load. Ellie was grateful her daughter was so low-maintenance, even with the occasional bout of 'two year oldness'. She'd done her best, and luckily her kiddo was pretty laid back when she screwed up a bit. Which Ellie did. More frequently than she probably should, considering her education, but hey, nobody was perfect.

"I'm sure you've got plans," Ellie said, smiling a little deeper at his nod. "Probably more exciting than mine."

"I am _very_ exciting," Zevran agreed with lazy humor, as they both turned to head back to the living room.

Unsurprisingly, Wren immediately got off the potty, the plasticky scoot across the tile floor noisy. That was fine, they had all night. She managed to stifle her amusement until Wren's bedroom door slammed noisily, and then she laughed exasperatedly.

"Isn't she supposed to wait until she's at least thirteen for that?" Ellie asked, digging through her purse to find the check she'd written at lunch. Easier for both of them keeping track where the money went, "Ah, well, she's always been sass-advanced for her age."

"I wonder where she gets it from. It is a mystery," he teased, taking the check from her with two fingers, smirking at her playful glower. "I should go, it is impolite to keep people waiting."

"Have a good time. Be safe, take a cab if you need to, yadda yadda." She said, waving a hand in the air. He arched an eyebrow, and she grinned. “I'm practicing my speech."

"It could use some work." He said, opening the front door and then pausing with a faint 'ah' under his breath, glancing over his shoulder.

"What's up? Forget something?"

"Merrill would like to see you this week, she says." Zevran replied, "I told her that you would make an excuse, so I will meet you at Isabela's after you finish work on Thursday evening."

"I...hey!" Ellie protested, finding her words spoken to the door closing in her face as he retreated. Sullenly she glared at the door, muttering under her breath, "I am not that bad."

Except, well, she probably was. If she had a bad day, at least, she knew she could text him and he'd back down.

Thoroughly outmaneuvered, Ellie turned to head for Wren's room, hoping this was one argument she could win. Then again, knowing her daughter, it probably wasn't.

When she opened the door, she was not surprised to see it was dinner time. Dinner was practically a nightly occurrence as of late. The make-believe play was good, but Wren was more interested in dictating than interacting. More play dates would probably help, but when was there bloody time? She'd have to figure something out. None of her friends had kids, which meant a plethora of babysitters, but a lack of playmates for the bird. Ellie just didn't seem to vibe with the other moms she ran into.

Six stuffed elephants were seated at the plastic table in the middle of Wren's room, each one a different color and state of dishevelment. The biggest, the first one Cassandra had bought her, was holding court at the head of the table, wearing all of the plastic costume jewelry and a police badge. Office Elephant was starting to look in dire need of a round in the washing machine.

"Hey, birdy." She greeted, plopping down in the doorway, folding her legs, "Can we talk about the potty situation here?"

"Mamae you a pwincess." Wren replied placidly, ignoring the question as she wandered over to place a silver glitter-covered crown on Ellie's knee.

She wished she knew where they'd gotten that, it didn't look like something she'd buy. Or want in the house. It was already flaking on her pants.

"Can I be a cowboy princess at least?" Ellie asked hopefully, but obediently took the crown from the small hands that forced it on her when she didn't pick it up quickly enough, "Birdy remember school? When you're at school, you have to use the potty."

Wren dug out the cowboy hat from her toy box and returned with it. It didn't fit, but hey, better than being a princess. Ellie held onto it, keeping it steady as Wren tried to find a way to force the crown on top of the hat. Eventually she gave up, and wandered over to make Officer Elephant wear the crown instead. Poor guy was looking kind of saggy on top of needing a bath. And now glittery.

"When you're at school there's a lot to do. Lots of friends, lots of things to learn..." Ellie obediently put on the apron that was handed to her, tying the too-small thing behind her neck, "And going potty is a lot faster than diapers, so you have more time for fun."

"Diapers is good choice, mamae." Wren countered calmly in a voice Ellie was all too aware was her own 'conflict resolution with the baby' voice, "Mamae make the soup, pweese."

Well, if she was gonna use it, she couldn't be surprised when it got thrown back in her face. As if she needed another reminder that kids were sponges. Saw it all the time at work, for good and for bad.

"Diapers was a good choice, tweetie, but for babies, and you're getting big. Big girls wear pull ups or undies." Ellie said, getting to her knees and awkwardly scooting over to the play kitchen, "What kind of soup?"

"Nanabewy." Wren replied firmly, setting out plastic plates on the table with a clatter.

"Okay, banana berry soup. You got it." Ellie confirmed, picking up the toy ladle and idly rattling it around in the pot, "Do you not like the pull up pants? We can go right to big girl undies."

The idea made her cringe a little, but if it meant getting through this, she could deal with the inevitable accidents and extra cleaning.

"We all done, mamae. Time to eat." Wren replied, yet again ignoring her question.

"Not for us, we need to wait for..." Ellie started, and then glanced over her shoulder as the front door opened, "Auntie Cass is here. Let's feed the herd and then go have our dinner, okay birdy?"

Dropping the subject, she set about to serving up the elephant party of six their banana berry soup and marshmallows. Didn't sound like too bad of a dinner, Ellie thought, but they'd save it for a particularly bad day. Today was better than average, and she wasn't going to waste a good coping mechanism like that.

"Ellana?" She heard Cass call from the other room, "Your phone is vibrating."

"Can you check and see who it is?" Ellie called back, hands full of obediently pouring glasses of 'lemonade' from plastic pitcher to teacups. "We'll be right there."

Silence, but she knew Cass was probably just settling in. If it was important, she'd say something else. The rest of the elephant dinner took very little time to serve up, and then Ellie tucked her cowboy hat back in the toy box. As Wren went bolting out of the bedroom, she took a minute to observe the crib. Yeah. Needed to go. It wasn't doing its job any more, she could scale it in no time flat. A little twinge there, thinking about how big her daughter was getting, but getting attached to things out of sentimentality was stupid in a two bedroom apartment.

Pondering over the thought, she headed out into the hall, passing through the living room as she untied the toy apron still hanging around her neck and tossed it over the back of the couch. Cass was standing in the kitchen at the island, sorting through the containers of takeout as Wren babbled away at her. She'd unbuttoned her suit jacket, but still was wearing her shoes. Looking smart as ever. Ellie was simultaneously envious and pitying. Pitying because it was a lot of work and probably uncomfortable after a long day, envious because she knew she'd never look that good in a suit.

"So Mira's getting in on Monday, this weekend I think I need to go find a bed. That crib really has to go. I'll probably take it apart and drag it to the women's shelter if they want it." Ellie said, wandering over to look for her phone among the bags and her mail, "Ooh, thanks for grabbing that, I forgot."

"It was your sister on the phone. She said she will call you tomorrow." Cassandra said, voice a little odd.

Leaning against the counter, Ellie peeked up at her curiously, tilting her head to the side. It wasn't annoyance, she knew that one pretty well, or worry. If anything, she looked hesitant. Cassandra's eyes slid aside from Ellie's, lips pursing lightly.

"You also have a text message. I did not look." She finally admitted.

For a second Ellie was all the more confused, before understanding dawned. Oh. Right, she hadn't actually said anything about Solas, and Cass was under the impression that Ellie was...still avoiding him. Which she was, sort of. But not all the way.

"Busted." She murmured, and then obediently handed Wren her container down when she asked for it noisily, "Sorry, birdy. C'mon, mamae will push in your chair. I should know better than to keep Wren from her scoochi."

"You should." Cassandra agreed, and then added, "You know that I am going to ask, so if it is not all right, please do tell me."

"It's fine, I don't want to turn it into a case of 'protesting too much'." Ellie declared, opening the container as Wren climbed up onto her chair, pushing it in for her with a hip. "Umh, he texted me? And then came over to say hi. It was weird. Awkward. Uncomfortable. But not life-shattering or horrible."

Opening the container, Ellie stifled a sigh as she scanned the contents. She told Cassandra over and over again that she didn't have to buy Wren the expensive stuff. She was more than happy with cucumber and fried tofu. But no, bird likes crab and shrimp, bird gets crab and shrimp. Ellie had a sneaking suspicion that if she wasn't a butthead at times, Cass would spoil her daughter silly.

"If anybody asks, I give you plates." She told Wren, putting the container in front of her. "We eat off of dishes, like people do. And we don't eat with our fingers."

"Dip, pweese." Wren requested, already reaching for one of the sushi rolls.

"Soon as you say thank you to Aunt Cass for your scoochi." Ellie replied, turning back for the counter as Wren happily sing-songed a 'fank you' from around a mouthful of fried crab and rice.

"You are welcome." Cassandra said, handing Ellie the container of sauce, "But you are talking to Solas. Obviously."

Holding two conversations at once was something they'd perfected, but Ellie took a minute to get Wren settled. Once the little one was contentedly shoving sushi rolls into plum sauce, Ellie poured them both a small glass of wine. She plopped at the table next to Cass, listening to the two talk, and opened her own food at last. Not just yummy, but pretty to look at, too, the tangle of fried squid and slices of raw fish, both on rice and off. Creators bless Cass, if it weren't for her she'd probably be eating a sandwich over the sink tonight with a coffee mug of wine after putting Wren to bed.

_Don't mommy eat, Ellie._

A bad habit she'd gotten into, bolting down her food at a million miles per hour. This was actually good sushi, from the place Cassandra liked rather than the cheap grocery store stuff she'd grab for herself. Better to be conscious of what she was putting in her mouth for once.

"We got lunch. Once. I don't know, Cass..." She mused finally, once Wren fell silent to eat some more, "It's kinda more heavy than I'm comfortable with. You know?"

"No, actually I do not." Cassandra admitted, continuing when Ellie grimaced, "It was strange at first to see Solas, I felt very uncomfortable, but things are much easier now. I am enjoying spending time with him. He is very good company."

"What have you guys been doing?" Ellie asked, finding an opening in the convo and zooming right for it.

"You realize that I am a lawyer, Ellana. I do notice when you avoid my questions." Cassandra pointed out, more sympathetic than sarcastic, "I did say that I would not pry if you said no. But you do not say no, you just attempt to dance around the point."

"I thought poking people's brains apart was _my_ job." She groused, willing enough to concede the point. It was a bad habit, but on the other hand, usually it worked, so...

Cassandra's silence was disapproving as Ellie picked at her food. She took a couple seconds to weigh the pros and cons, and finally gave in to the inevitable. It might make things awkward, or it might fix them. She loved Cass, it wasn't like she purposefully wanted to hide from her, but...when it came to things like this, Cass was an eternal optimist, and she didn't want to get her hopes up.

"It's not him. At all. He's actually being really pleasant like you said and not at all awkward. It's me, Cass." She declared, and then laughed, tongue tripping her up awkwardly as it always did when she tried to open up, "It's not him, it's me. That sounds so cliche, but sometimes it's a cliche for a reason, I guess. Or...or something. I...I, ah..."

"I should not have asked. I apologize." Cassandra said hastily, which was exactly what she didn't want to happen.

Hard to explain it to her friend, hard to ask her to ignore this. It came from a place of concern, she knew that, so she tried not to let it bother her, but from time to time, Cassandra treated her like glass, and it drove her nuts. She had been ever since mom had died. Ellie had to figure out a time to sit down and talk about it, but it was hard when talking about the problem...well, caused the problem.

"I'm not..." She started, and then paused to try again, lifting her hands in placation. "The fact of the matter is, Cass, that even if I could ignore the baggage, it's been almost _four years_ , and this is already a minefield without worrying about that."

"Four? I was under the impression you had not seen him in ten y..." Cassandra began, and then stalled at her significant look and the tip of her head aside as Wren. Ellie waited, while the thoughts slowly percolated around in her head. Understanding dawned on Cassandra's face at last. "Oh."

"So, I mean...on top of baggage, there's some personal stuff, and I don't want things to get weird." She finished, feeling the jitters recede a little.

"So you still find him attractive?" Cassandra asked, voice turning a bit warmer as Ellie sighed and slapped her forehead with a palm, "Is that necessarily a bad thing?"

Her brain was screaming 'yes', but she knew that would just sound defensive. Which she was, but that didn't mean she couldn't find a way to reason with Cass without outing herself. Sighing, Ellie dragged her hand down her face, and then reached for her drink.

"It's not just attraction, Cass. For better or worse, he's been the standard. In more ways than one. I mean, I know that's just because we never had a chance to screw it up, but that sort of idealistic bullshit can really ruin stuff." Ellie told her, and then froze as she realized there was a stare being fixed on her from the head of the table.

_Oops._

"Mamae s'a no no word." Wren told her, very seriously, "S'a bad choice."

"You're right, mamae made a bad choice, and I'm sorry." Ellie replied penitently, as Cassandra hid a chuckle behind her wine glass, "I will try harder not to do it again."

"S'a time out." Wren informed her.

"Ah, no, but nice try. Grown ups don't get time out." Ellie replied, mildly, "Because we like them. Eat your food, sass-bird."

"Mamae's pweese." Wren demanded, which was another side-effect of not eating her food too fast.

And, because Ellie was a sucker, she passed over one of her fried squid pieces for Wren, ignoring the little finger pointing at the raw fish.

"It looks pretty, honey, but you can't have that yet." She informed her daughter, who seemed happy enough dunking the squid in plum sauce and going to town on it. "Mamae's little garbage disposal."

"Ellana!" Cassandra laughed, "You know how she repeats things."

"Which is why we're working on 'things you can say at home' and 'things you can say in public'." Ellie replied, shrugging her shoulders, "Hiding her from language won't fix it. Listen, I'd really like to put this Solas thing..."

Shit, okay, wrong turn of phrase. Hopefully Cassandra wouldn't pick up on...

"To bed?" Cassandra finished, and laughed at her scowl, voice lightening, "Very well, Ellana. I will leave it at that."

She had a sneaking suspicion that she'd just started something that couldn't be stopped, but Cassandra looked happy. She'd been stressed for so long that Ellie was starting to really worry about her, so she couldn't find it in herself to bring her down now. Even if it was sensible. Still...

"No ambushes." She ordered, picking up a piece of the sashimi, one of the few things she could enjoy without toddler interference. Pointing with her chopsticks, she jabbed it in Cass' direction, "I mean it. If we're gonna be friends, I need to do things at my own pace. You get me?"

"No ambushes." Cassandra agreed, rising to her feet to go and refill her glass of wine, leaving her heels under the table, "Are you still considering finding a bigger apartment?"

Grateful for the change in subject, Ellie latched onto it like a life preserver. They still had a long evening of potty training ahead of them, but as far as stress went, it was really pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. Not everything had to be a big deal, if you didn't let it be.

A little perspective made almost everything easier.

_Almost._


	5. Chapter 5

It'd been a day from hell, and while usually all the jokes about how soft she was still would have gone in one ear and out the other, today it was a bit much. She still felt guilty for snapping at Marsha as she left the office, but she knew they didn't care. The jokes were coping; Ellie was low on cope.

It just hurt when it was all too true. She'd spent an hour crying in the bathroom after a home visit today. Not that they knew that. It was embarrassing to admit that it still happened, and that it likely wouldn't ever stop.

Trudging along to the bus stop, Ellie glanced down at her phone as it lit up yet again.

She couldn't avoid the bastard forever.

“I was at work,” she greeted, before he could complain about her not answering.

“W-” Falon'din stalled, and then snorted. “Oh. Work.”

“Yeah, it's a normal thing normal people do, Fal.” She tried to keep the sarcasm out of her voice so he didn't get bitchy. “Now I'm going to go eat dinner. What is it?”

“There's a thing a week from Friday and I need someone to go with me,” he replied, as blunt and demanding as ever.

“I'm telling you what I told you last time.” Where was her bus card? Rifling through her purse irritably, she plopped down on the bench at the bus shelter, tucking her phone between shoulder and ear to pin it. “One, if anyone else from your family will be there, hell no. Two, the answer is probably no. What happened to Rachel?”

“I got tired of her,” Falon'din retorted brusquely, which Ellie knew all too well meant he'd gotten dumped again. “It's some charity thing. You like charity.”

If it was a poor joke she would have hung up on him, but unfortunately, this was Falon'din being sincere. This just happened to be the best he got. Stifling a sigh through her nose, Ellie finally found her bus pass, of course not in her wallet where it was supposed to be. And a pacifier.

They'd stopped using those over a year ago, how did that get in there?

“You can't go solo?”

“I'll look like a fuckin' idiot if I go by myself, and I'll probably piss someone off,” Fal protested. “Come on it's just some charity thing with like, I dunno, a silent auction and free booze an' hors d'ouvres an shit. I figured you might wanna go.”

“You're using my love of tiny food against me,” she accused, and then sighed again. The problem was, it was hard as hell for Fal to even ask for help, so the fact that he was asking her probably meant she should. It just rankled a bit. She'd never met anyone who was such an ass about asking for help as him.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Why are _you_ going?”

The bus screeched up and she swung on, frowning as her phone buzzed a text. Shit. That was probably Zev, and she needed to check it before she got off at the wrong stop.

“Somebody's gotta. Come on.”

“Fine, fine, but if you make even the slightest suggestion about me covering up my Vallaslin again I _will_ throw you out of a moving vehicle,” Ellie threatened, swiping her card and folding herself into the commuting crowd. No seat. Of course not.

She lifted a hand as an older man started to rise for her, smiling and shaking her head minutely.

“I can stand.”

“What?”

“That wasn't at you, Fal,” she snipped hurriedly, grabbing the bar as the bus took off, swaying with the motion. “Fine. I gotta go. Nanny.”

“You gotta wear something half decent for once,” he said, and hung up on her.

“Fenedhis,” Ellie muttered.

Shifting her purse and lowering her phone finally, she kept herself small as possible as the bus paused and more people spilled on. It was just a picture, and from Zevran. She opened it up, smiling reflexively at the beaming little face in the snap, until she realized why it'd been sent. They were at Isabela's.

A summonses to go be social for dinner.

Ellie took a minute to sort through her own emotions and energy, which were both extremely low, but not at rock bottom. Her mind was already trying to word the refusal when she lifted the phone again. Wren's happy little face smiled at her.

The pros and cons got a second weighing, and she sighed in defeat.

_6:47 Okay, okay. I'm omw._

Her messages open, she stared at Solas' name, flashing back to the top to remind her she still hadn't opened his message from three days ago. Ellie had been trying, she really had, but the last week and a half had been absolutely draining. She knew he was back from Antiva, and had been.

She should be friendly. It was just that it seemed like she was sucking at dealing with the old, weird, complicated emotions that chatting with him brought up. Ellie was just so fucking tired. Every time he tried to chat she just descended into bland surface stuff because it was all she could handle right now.

Soon. She'd reply to him soon.

Switching to a group chat, she began thumb-typing as the bus growled and screeched along, feet aching, body tired.

**Superhero Squad**

_Ellie: Hey, I told someone I would try to go to a thing next Friday. Can anyone help? I can promise it shouldn't be super late, the company probably won't be great._

_Merrill: Oh dear, I'm sorry! I'm working! Are you coming to dinner?_

_Ellie: Yeah see u soon._

_Alistair: I might? Did you already try Cassandra?_

_Ellie: I bug her enough, I thought I would see if I could beg one of you guys first ;_; save me alibear_

_Alistair: Well when you put it like that_

_Alistair: If I can't I know Wynne can._

_Hawke: ME_

_Alistair: uh..._

_Hawke: ELLIE, GIVE ME YOUR CHILD_

_Ellie: lol wtf_

_Alistair: Hawke you're really scary, did you know that?_

_Hawke: BESTOW THE CHILD._

_Merrill: :D_

_Hawke: BEHOLD MOTHER, I HAVE ACQUIRED FOR YOU AT LAST A CHILD, GET OFF MY DICK ALREaDY_

_Ellie: Lol. She's just a loaner, Hawke. I can't save u from Leandra._

_Hawke: Yea NP+ El we'll watch Griffey Griffon's Magical Aerie_

_Fenris: Oh no._

_Hawke: G R I F F EY_

_Fenris: Now she's chanting it. Wonderful._

_Merrill: Are you two texting while sitting next to each other again?_

_Hawke: NO_

_Fenris: Yes._

_Ellie: You guys are livesavers ty so much I'll text you later about it._

_Carver: Marian your an idiot_

_Anders: *you're_

_Carver: Fuck you_

_Anders: Fuck me yourself, you coward._

_Carver: MARIAN_

She got off of the bus by rote, the stop at Isabela's as familiar as the one a block down from her apartment. The only difference was taking a transfer or not. Ellie was lucky with the bus routes, but that might be changing in the next few months. It depended on how much she felt like giving up for her sister's shenanigans.

Right now she couldn't spare a lot to worry about Mira. As much as she loved her sister, this insistence that her rudderless high school girlfriend following her to the city wouldn't cause any problems was starting to wear on Ellie. Mira wasn't being sensible.

Ellie was pretty sure that in about four months she'd have Mira pounding down her door demanding she give Tish somewhere to stay. It might be better to just bite the bullet and find a bigger apartment now. It felt inevitable.

Not that she disliked Atishana, she was just...not terribly pleased with the idea of Ellie's baby sister being the entirety of her life plan.

Teenagers.

Slipping her phone into her purse, Ellie hip-shouldered into the place, noise dragging her out of her head and back into reality. There was Merrill, bustling around busily. Isa behind the bar. Their eyes met across the room, and they shared a wave. Zev and Wren were still at the pinball machine, her daughter delightedly squealing over the noise and lights, and-

_Oh._

Her eyes fell on a very familiar figure mere feet from her, in the midst of his dinner.

Solas was here.

She felt trapped, but knew it hadn't been planned. Ellie had introduced him to Isabela. How could she blame him for being here?

But still, it felt like an invasion of her privacy.

The booths, the cabinets, the bar, everything she knew and felt safe in over these years, invaded. It was a stupid feeling, but it persisted despite being well aware of that. She could either flee from him, or...no.

_No, she wasn't that weak._

Steeling herself, she headed for the battered burgundy booth with her back straight an her chin up. Best to get it out of the way now, rather than sit awkwardly across the room and pretend she hadn't seen it. Handle it like an adult. Solas glanced up as she approached, smile a pleased greeting. The dwarven guy across from him observed her approach curiously.

"I thought you were exaggerating when you said we might run into each other now and again," Ellie declared wryly, all too aware of Zevran's curious look from across the restaurant.

"I am pleased to be proven right," Solas replied, and then chuckled at the slight wrinkling of her nose. "I was surprised to see Wren here without you."

Right, they'd met that once. No need to get defensive. 

"It's a plot by my nanny Zev to force me to be sociable," she sighed, giving a small shake of her head. "Ah well, if it wasn't for that, I'd probably be at home having marshmallows and wine for dinner."

"That sounds like a pleasant option as well. Please, let me introduce you to..."

Her chagrined gaze fell to the dwarf sitting across from Solas, his penetrating gaze too intense to be comfortable, his smile to casual to be real. She felt dissected, in a way that set her back up despite the mild gaze.

"Varric Tethras," he said simply, extending his hand.

"I know," she retorted by reflex, taking the hand and clasping it as she continued with hopefully more aplomb. "I like your books. I've been reading them for...years. Hard in Hightown. Read it on a bus."

Another of those memories. She could feel Solas staring at her now, and avoided looking at him. Fenedhis, she'd entirely forgotten they'd read that one together. Ugh, why the hell did a few months out of her life ages ago have so much to do with everything that came after it?

It was unfair.

"Hopefully you didn't find it there," Varric joked, smiling with ease when her own faltered. "Nice to meet you finally, Ellie."

"Yeah. It's weird we've never met," she agreed, giving a small laugh. “Considering I'm friends with your best friend and all... but I can be a hermit. Don't let me interrupt your dinner, I just wanted to say hi. Excuse me, I should feed the kiddo.”

“Sure, have a good one,” Varric said with a smile.

“It is good to see you, Ellana.”

“You too,” she said simply to Solas, and nodded to both of them before retreating.

The delighted 'mamae!' from across the room as she approached helped propel her tired feet across the last few feet.

Between Fal, her sister, work, grieving mom, and now this new complication, her emotional capacity was basically nil, but she had to remember that the bird had to come first. She just had to dig down deep and dredge up just a little more energy. Just a little more, and a little more.

The fact that one day there might not be anything left could be ignored.

For now.

“On a bus, huh?”

Varric's expression was amused, but exasperated. It was a look Solas had become very familiar with over the years. He seemed to spend a great deal of time exasperating Varric.

“So she claimed,” he agreed mildly.

“So did you,” Varric pointed out with a small laugh. “A very long time ago, Chuckles. I mean, at this point I've got enough pieces to put together the puzzle.”

Rather than answer immediately, Solas sipped at his water, hiding a smile as the look turned dark. It was amusing to tease, but he shouldn't push it too far. As much as he wanted to.

“We were together for a time before I left Haine,” he admitted with a small nod of his head. “Until I left, actually.”

“Until- ah,” Varric said succinctly. “You told me about that part, at least. Well, that explains Cassandra being so prickly about it.”

“She is protective,” Solas agreed, rather than denying it. There seemed to be very little point in doing so.

“Yeah. So anyways, I appreciate you doing this for me. I know at this point saying anything's 'owed' is kinda murky, but still, if you need anything...”

“It is very little bother, I assure you. I know how dedicated you are to the rebuilding in Lowtown, and if my putting in an appearance can aid in that, I'm happy to do so,” Solas said, despite not looking forward to it terribly much.

As Varric expounded on his latest project, he made appropriate noises and asked questions, but his attention kept being dragged across the bar to where Ellana sat, conversing with her beaming, ketchup-covered daughter.

It was sheer idiocy to be surprised Ellana had changed, but he still seemed to be. It wasn't anything to do with appearance, she was as beautiful as she'd always been, albeit a bit more sartorially reserved than in their youth. It wasn't her daughter, but she did throw the changes into relief. Maybe it was the smile on Wren's face that reminded him so much of her mother that made the stark difference so clear.

Ellana smiled differently now, weighted, quickly fading.

He remembered when it had felt like she was always laughing, in the edge of her smile, in the brightness of her eyes, and it was disappointing to see that gone. There had been so much brilliance to her before, a fire that burned in joy and anger both. Now she almost seemed...banal. Their conversations- in text or in person- were surface and as engaging as discussing the weather. She seemed disinterested in any attempts he made to go beyond that.

Solas wasn't certain if she simply had no interest in speaking to him, or if it was all she was capable of now.

While he didn't know her life, the thoughts lingered. He had thought that he'd approached her with no expectations, no preconceived notions, but that seemed to not be the case after all. At the very least he'd been hoping to see the evolution of the woman he had known.

Instead, he saw two different people, with very little connecting them.

It was ungracious to be disappointed, but he was.

When Varric took his leave, he finished up as well, regretfully. By now he was well used to hotels, in whatever form they took, but he had grown tired of them over the last few years. Hopefully Ninety hadn't destroyed it in his absence, he had tried to wear her out this afternoon at the park. But he, of all people, knew that trying to tire out Ninety was futile.

As he took his leave, he tried to catch Ellana's eye to wave goodbye, but she failed to notice.

That was that, then.

On the drive back to the hotel he mused over his feelings. They were more intense than was warranted, but maybe that was only because their first meeting had been so different. She'd been guarded, but there had been a genuine connection. Despite applesauce and a teething child and all of that chaos, it had felt more real than every other encounter since. The only other time the wall had cracked even a little was when she'd confessed that she'd missed him.

Everything else was closed-off and sterile.

If that was what she wanted, there was very little he could do about it.

Parking in the darkened lot, he ducked out of his car, slamming it closed behind him. There was a cracking creak of protest that reminded him that it was likely time to find something better, before it abandoned him somewhere. If he was truly going to settle, it was time to start doing so. That meant acquiring things that weren't meant to be transient.

What a strange thought.

He thumbed through his key ring to find the proper one, an actual physical key- a rarity these days. Then again, this was hardly a modern motel. He could hear the whining before he even had the lock open, and Solas stifled a sigh, smiling as he pulled the door open.

Ninety rocketed past him, worn-out ball in her teeth as she went tearing across the cracked parking lot. He watched the blur dart through pools of sodium orange light and disappear into shadows, chuckling faintly to himself as she raced around in a frenetic panic. Time was he'd been incapable of leaving her alone. She'd gotten much better.

Well, neither of them were truly domesticated.

It was more than a hunch that she had some wolf blood in her, he'd gone to a wolfdog sanctuary once to sate his curiosity about the matter. His interview there had indeed clarified some of her stranger habits for him. Still, she was likely extremely low content, and her bad behaviors were more quirks of personality than danger.

He supposed all of the kennels she'd escaped from felt otherwise.

While she ran the restlessness out of her system, he stepped inside, absently grabbing the ancient remote and turning on the television. It droned in the background as he cleaned out her water dish in the bathroom sink and refilled it. This was a ritual they'd honed during days on the road.

He was pulling her dinner out of the groaning, rattling mini fridge when the blur of news-noise from the television clarified into something that finally drew his attention.

“...anticipating a large drop in Arlathan stocks when the market opens. This is a developing story, and-”

Leaving the food on the counter, he moved back to the bedroom, staring at the television without truly seeing it.

Words flashed under a blurry video as the bed creaked noisily underneath him. He sat, heavily. Felony grand theft. Arlathan embezzlement scandal.

“Five hundred...million,” he murmured in disbelief.

_Fenedhis._

The phone slid from his pocket was cradled in his palm without a conscious thought, thumb sliding it open. His eyes flickered from the television to it, and he quickly sorted through his numbers. No, he needed to call her. It was one thing to hear this from him, another entirely to be shocked by it showing up on television. Who knew how muddy this would get? They needed to protect themselves, protect Kieran, and their private lives.

Three rings, and then a faint sigh as the phone was answered.

"It is late," Morrigan reminded him, not bothering to say hello.

"Mythal has been arrested," he replied simply, and then waited as she inhaled sharply, silence stretching on a few moments before he continued. "I fear it has begun."

"We anticipated that something might go awry," she reminded him at last, voice so smooth he could barely hear the fracture in it she was hiding. "So, they have turned on her at last. Surely this would not happen unless Elgar'nan willed it. She raised vultures, and married a monster, I suppose neither of us should be surprised."

"I had expected better out of Sylaise and June," he admitted, trying to ignore that it bothered him on some fundamental level that felt like betrayal.

"Sylaise has been in contact with me, bit by bit," Morrigan informed him, voice turning archly wry, as if anticipating his surprise. "You may be disappointed in her, but I? I would applaud her if she choose at last to abandon them."

"You make a fair point. It would be hypocritical of me to accuse her of abandoning the family," he said, forcing away that spike of annoyance. He had no right, after all. "Falon'din, on the other hand..."

"Is a puppet, nothing more. Your prejudice is showing. I am certain they all have their part to play, but expecting Falon'din to do anything more than he is told is expecting too much. Expecting any of them to stand up to Elgar'nan is a fool's bet."

There was a crash, and he blinked out of his daze. The dish he had forgotten to set out was on the floor, and Ninety was in the process of tearing open the packet that held her dinner. She wouldn't eat the packaging, he could let her be.

"We may have to agree to disagree on that part, I fear. Regardless. Changing your phone number and obtaining a post office box may be wise, Morrigan," he said, trying to sort through the thousand possibilities in his mind at the moment. "I do not expect that they will find you, Mythal covers her tracks quite well, but the payments she has been sending you..."

"Are stopped, and were before Kieran was born. I did not wish her to think she had a right to my son," Morrigan declared firmly. Her voice turned thoughtful. “But you are correct. If her financial records are going to be under scrutiny..."

Ninety finished tearing open the packet and emptied it by the simply expedient method of biting down on the other end and shaking it violently. Efficient. Messy, but efficient.

He pulled his gaze away from splattered pureed pumpkin and chunks of raw meat, and back to the television.

"They are," he agreed. "Embezzlement, it seems."

"Of course. That man cannot admit he has been losing money, losing his control over the company. Of course not. The question is, of course, how exactly she has prepared for this? It will be interesting indeed to see what she has planned."

"You truly believe she could have anticipated this? That her family would turn on her?"

"Oh, Solas. Of course she did," Morrigan said with amusement in every word. "Try not to be so naive. Protect yourself. You have always been her favourite pawn."

"I left, and broke all ties," he reminded her flatly, and tried not to take offense at the sarcastic laugh that followed his words. "And she is arrested, however briefly. She has no leverage over me."

"Your flaw, Solas, is that you care far, far too much. There is no motherly affection in her withered breast. Do not let yourself be blinded by your own feelings."

“Are you speaking to me, or to yourself?”

Her scoff was loud and irritable. Silence stretched between them for a time, broken on his end by the sounds of Ninety noisily licking up her dinner. Finally, Morrigan sighed. “She is still my mother, I suppose. I take no delight in this.”

“Nor do I,” he agreed quietly.

“There is nothing we can do. Are you in town for long? Kieran would like to see you,” Morrigan said briskly.

“Me?” he teased around the pit in his stomach.

“The dog does come with you, cousin. Even when she should not.”

“Through next weekend at the very least. I've agreed to be a part of a mural project at the new public library, and Varric asked me to sign some things for him and attend a charity auction for his Lowtown restoration project, which is next Friday. Would you care to join me?”

“Not even if you were to pay me,” Morrigan said, and they both laughed quietly. “Shall we have breakfast on Sunday?”

“I would enjoy that, yes,” he agreed, as if his eyes weren't still fixed on the television, and his mind as well.

“Very well. Try not to dwell. Good night, cousin.”

“Good night,” he said, lowering his phone as it went dead. Resting it on his knee, he gazed at the television without really seeing it until a nose nudged his hand. Glancing down at Ninety, he smiled faintly and shifted his hand to her head, stroking slowly. She licked her muzzle a few times and settled, sitting on his foot.

The pressure against his leg was grounding.

“It does not have to be about me,” he told her.

If only it felt true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe here begins the chaps that never got originally posted. Finally, something new to everyone! <3 Thanks for reading everyone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Mira**

1:47 I told her I had work to do and she was like 'you just started school' but I told her that I wanted to get ahead of things because it's only going to get harder.

1:48 But she won't listen and I don't know how to get it through her head that I can't just go out every day all the time like she can. It's not like I don't want to see her or anything! ID o

1:48 OFC I want to see her but I'm like drowning under stuff even tho Cass is helping me and I told her vhenan you should be looking for jobs remember??? And she was like 'I have like three months rent saved up IM fine' but thats only THREE months and honestly I think she just thinks if she fucks up whatever she'll just go home.

1:50 Doesn't she care about staying here w me????

_6:21 I don't know bug maybe she just didn't have to grow up as fast as us, it's only been a couple weeks. Give her time._

12:40 It's fine, we're fine. We had a talk over lunch, she understands.

_13:02 :)_

15:09 Now she's like 'hey I met some cool ppl let's go to the beach' like I just TALKED to her about how important class was and I've given her my schedule like six times now but it's like she wasn't even LISTENING.

15:10 I CAN'T GO TO THE BEACH IV GOT CLASS OMC and its like AUTUMN why would u want to go to a BEACH

15:12 Like I get she's adjusting or whatever and yeah this place is super big and exciting or whatever like I came from CL township too I get it being in the city is cool but I can't just drop all my work and run off with a bunch of ppl she met at a coffee shop or we!!!

15:13 I asked if she went and talked to Isabela about that job or Anders at the shelter but she got all mad at me?!?! She said I was nagging I can't believe she said that!!

15:15 Ellie

15:15 ELLIE

15:16 Fine whatever I'll call Bethany at least she'll pick up

_18:48 I'm sorry bug I have work too. Its not that I don't care._

18:51 I know I'm sorry I was being a bitch

_18:52 NP. I have a thing tonight sorry I promised I would go but if u want to come sleep over we can go out in the morning for breakfast and ill listen all u want._

18:55 Abelas we're going to the Sundermount protest in the morning. I promised Keeper Marethari I would go.

_18:56 Tel abelas._

18:57 I don't know why you won't come.

_18:57 Yeah I guess I just suck._

**Solas**

17:02 Your sister invited me to a protest. I was surprised.

_6:21 Oh, yeah. Me too. I don't have time to go. You should._

6:22 She wasn't quite clear what was being protested.

_6:31 Your uncle. Basically._

6:32 ...Ah. That does make sense why I was invited, then. Well, I suppose now is an excellent time to protest him, hmm?

_8:26 Why's that?_

8:27 Usually I am the one behind- have you not watched the news at all?

_8:28 No ty, enough stress._

8:28 I see.

8:29 Perhaps a change in topic. Do you have any interesting plans this weekend, then?

_17:20 Nah._

Ellie finished sending the text distractedly and turned to the matter at hand.

There were some things a person should not be expected to put up with. Years of grudging friendship or no, Ellie had now hit that point with Falon'din, and she was edging towards erring on the side of 'throw out the whole person' levels of over it. The boxes that had been delivered were sitting on the middle of her coffee table, the first one sitting open to reveal the contents. The others were still closed, but she could tell what at least one was from the shape.

Finally, the asshole picked up his phone.

“You better not be canceling on me.”

“Do you really think I'm going to put up with you trying to _Pretty Woman_ me, Falon'din?” she asked, high and frustrated, words sputtering.

He snorted. “I don't know what that means.”

“Pwetty,” Wren agreed happily, grabbing the shimmery dress and pulling it out of the box, which fell to the floor.

“It means where the h-word do you get off deciding what I'm going to wear?” Ellie asked, trying to temper her tone when Wren glanced up and stared at her. Lowering her voice to a hiss, she continued. “Really? I do you a favor and you treat me like I can't even dress myself?”

There was a long pause, and then he heaved a sigh. “Is this you takin' offense for no reason again? 'Cause I was trying to do something nice. I figured you couldn't afford to pretty yourself up since you work that shit job.”

Ellie wondered if her eyelid was twitching, or if that was just a twitching of the soul she was feeling right now. “I will try to take that with the hopefully good spirit it was intended with, but...no. It's not me taking offense for no reason, Fal. This isn't a movie. People don't like it when you do stuff like this in real life!”

“People like presents,” he contradicted her brusquely.

“Appropriate presents, Fal! Appropriate! If you sent me a- a fruit basket, I'd be like, oh thanks! Now I won't get scurvy! Based on our previous encounters, all this comes across as is you trying to dictate how I am allowed to present myself in your presence!”

Wren ran off with the dress, giggling, and disappeared down the hall. Ellie didn't have it in her to stop the bird, even though she was pretty sure that was worth more than most of her wardrobe put together. She hadn't even looked at the label, but this was Fal. He didn't comprehend the value of money.

There was a long pause, so long that she was about to make sure he hadn't hung up on her, when he sighed. “I fuck up everything,” Fal muttered, bitter and dejected.

And, like it always did, that broke through. Ellie knew better, she really did, but she'd always been a complete sucker for people who were trying to fix things and needed some help. They'd had their ups and downs, but he was so much _better_ than he'd been. Ellie could afford to bend.

Picking her words with extreme care, she tried again. “I- no, Fal. I get where you were trying to come from, it's just- you hurt my feelings sometimes. I appreciate that you thought of me, but this gift came with some pretty hurtful connotations. We've talked about this kinda thing.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered. “I didn't think. Whatever. Do what you want with it. I just thought you might like it, 'cause I'm making you come to this thing.”

“You're not making me, I said I would go,” she replied, despite feeling entirely like it was a burden she wasn't looking forward to. Most of the women that he tended to chase after probably would have liked a gift like that, so really could she blame him? “The color's pretty?”

“You look good in green.”

Was that actually a compliment? From Fal? Without being coached into giving it?

_Ellie, you absolute sucker._

“Fine, I'll wear it!” she sighed. “Creators save me.”

And as always, whenever he got his way all attempts at even a modicum of humility were buried under bravado. “Yeah, I thought so. You get your nails done an' shit?”

Scoffing, she rolled her eyes. “What? No. You're the one who invited me, take me as I am or get the eff out. As I told you _last_ time I was dumb enough to let you convince me to be your date.”

“You're so fuckin' stubborn,” he declared, fond amusement in his raspy voice. “You're not gonna go dumpin' your wine on someone again, are you?”

“He deserved that, and I'm not even sorry a little bit,” she told him tartly, smiling grudgingly at his laugh. “You thought it was funny.”

“Funny someone even thought grabass would work on you. Plus, I hate that guy. I gotta go figure out how much dad wants us to dump on this stupid charity. I'll send you the address 'cause you won't let me send a car.”

“Deal with it, I'm wearing the stupid dress,” she groused, and his laugh actually got her a grudging smile. “Ass.”

“Yeah, but you like me,” he retorted smugly, and hung up on her.

Grumbling, Ellie tossed her phone onto the couch and flipped open the other boxes. Luckily, for Fal's sake, there wasn't any jewelry or she really would be pissed. Just shoes and a bag. The bag was entirely too small, but Ellie was well aware her usual purse was big enough to hold half her life. More of a sack than a bag.

The shoes were strappy and ridiculous and she hated them, but admittedly if she hadn't been the one who was going to wear them, they'd be amazing.

She forged her way through the apartment, into her sweet girl's room. The crib was in pieces, tucked against the wall awaiting their trek out. The new bed was still in its box. Any guilt she might have felt for her bird sleeping on a mattress tonight was mitigated by the knowledge that it'd take her twenty minutes to crawl into Ellie's bed.

“Sweetheart?”

Half-curly hair tousled around her pink-cheeked face, Wren looked up from trying to force the fancy dress onto a stuffed elephant. “Mamae!”

“Da'vhenan, mamae needs to wear the dress. May I have it, please?”

Wren toddled over and shoved the dress into her hands, beaming happily. Slinging it over her arm, Ellie leaned down and planted a kiss on her head, turning around to head for her room. Her little shadow followed, chattering happily.

“I want to see dod, pweese?”

“Dog,” Ellie corrected carefully, but without any real force. She wasn't lagging behind on that front, she'd figure out the sounds eventually. “I will see if Alistair wants to go on our jog tomorrow and bring Mai, then. He probably should get more exercise. You're going to go see Hawke and Fenris tonight, birdy. Are you excited?”

They chatted as Wren jumped on the bed and Ellie dressed, both annoyed and impressed that the dress fit almost perfectly. A little tight around the butt. Which meant she had to change her underwear. Annoying.

“Mamae's pwetty,” Wren told her beatifically, in the midst of throwing all the pillows on the floor, knocking everything but the lamp off of the nightstand in the process.

“You tell me things like that so I pretend not to notice you're being naughty,” she replied to the little one, who giggled happily. “Thank you, birdy. Do you want to put on a dress, too?”

“No. Wanna be dwagon,” Wren said, jumping off the bed. Ellie jolted forward out of habit, the little spike of panic familiar, but always present. Wren landed on her butt, shot back to her feet, and ducked through Ellie's reaching hands to pelt out of the room.

“No running in the h- ah, fuck it.” The last part was muttered, lest she get in trouble again.

After getting Wren into her dragon costume, Ellie put on as much makeup as she could stand, at least to hide the circles under her eyes. And then she added a little more, because it was either that or look like she didn't belong in the stupid gorgeous dress. Why did someone so terrible have such good taste?

Most of Ellie's jewelry was old, and definitely not suitable for this sort of party, but she at least put in the emerald and gold nose stud Mira had gotten her for Satinalia last year. Now that Wren wouldn't rip it off her face, Ellie was more inclined to wear it. Less chance of losing a body part.

When they made it out the door, time was tight, and traffic was bad. The Hawkes lived on the edge of Hightown, at least, so it wouldn't be that far to where the charity event was being held. Unfortunately, taking a cab as she was tonight meant that Wren didn't get her music, so by the time they made it to Hawke's, she was a restless little ball of energy, fussing and squirming and then rocketing out of the cab the instant Ellie got her door.

Shrieking delightedly, Wren went pelting up the long driveway when the gate was opened, forcing Ellie to follow at a good clip with her heels dangling from her hand. This time of year Leandra's gardens were much less colorful, but red autumn roses were still scenting the night air. She breathed it in, let it calm her. Tonight would be fine.

She'd keep Fal from offending anyone and enjoy the free food.

And if it was terrible, she could hang out afterwards and bitch to Hawke and Fenris over a few glasses of wine.

To her surprise, as she approached she realized one of the front doors of the always impressively-large house were open, golden light spilling out. When one of Wren's delighted shrieks was echoed by a surprised yelp, Ellie darted forward. _Shit_. She scooped up her daughter abruptly, pulling her away from the shadow she hadn't seen but Wren certainly had. That explained the excitement.

Dogs were her favourite.

Unfortunately she just got a bit too enthusiastic about them, no matter how big or intimidating. They'd been working on manners- they just hadn't stuck yet. This was definitely a big dog, around the size of Alistair's mabari but rather different looking. Their eyes met as Wren happily babbled about the 'dod' and tried to wriggle out of Ellie's hands.

Intelligence in those oblique, light brown eyes, which were fixed on Ellie and not her daughter. The narrow muzzle and upright ears gave it a foxlike appearance, and that coupled with other pretty obvious indicators made Ellie very grateful that she'd scooped Wren up when she did. “Sweetie, this dog doesn't want to play.”

“She's actually really nice! Just shy.”

Glancing up from the dog, Ellie squinted an eye at Marian Hawke, who was standing in the doorway, unpeeling a banana. She was in her usual uniform of sweats probably stolen from her boyfriend and a Warden World graphic tee, black hair messily bound up in a taco-patterned bandana.

“What, what I do?” Marian asked, husky voice easy and slow.

“You know that animal's illegal to own, right?” Ellie asked, vaguely exasperated.

“I'm just dog-sitting her for the day. She's never caused me any- wait, why illegal?”

“Hawke, that's a wolf dog,” Ellie replied patiently. “I know wolves. I did sort of grow up in a national forest, ya know. There were a few oopsie-litters that happened around the township.”

“Dude, that's so cool!” Marian declared, and then hastily added as Ellie squinted harder, “I won't let her in the house. I'm dumb, but not that dumb.”

“They've got a really nasty prey drive-” Ellie started edging around the admittedly very pretty dog, who slunk off into the shadows when she moved. Approaching Marian, she kept a tight grip on her wriggly daughter. “You promise it won't get anywhere near Wren?”

“Yeah. But you know, I've been dog-sitting her for years, she's really pretty sweet. Just skittish.”

“I don't know her personally, I'm just speaking from experience,” Ellie replied dubiously, heading up the stairs.

“Well, I wouldn't let them around each other even if she wasn't, so don't worry. I told him she had to stay outside tonight 'cause I had company, and I'm not about to expect someone to let their kid around a dog they don't know,” Marian assured her, brightening as they stepped into the light. “Maker! It's a terrifying dragon!”

Wren 'rar'ed at Marian, and then happily took the chunk of banana she was offered, shoving it in her mouth all at once, cheeks bulging. Reassured, Ellie let herself be chivied in and chattered at while she waited for her new ride. When it came, she kissed her daughter goodbye and left her chattering happily at Fenris and climbing all over his stoic self, using him as a jungle gym. They got along well.

The wolf dog shadowed her all the way to the gate at the edge of her vision, amber eyes peering at her out of the darkness.

Solas was grateful when Varric found him and dragged him out of a conversation that was boring him to tears.

It wasn't that he was unhappy to be here- it was a good and very important cause. But unfortunately often those who attended these sorts of events were the type of people he had been raised around, and was not terribly fond of. The evening was not strictly black tie, but even so there was no mistaking the signs of wealth in the attendees.

Old money more than new, though both were in attendance tonight. It was at least amusing to spot the differences between the two. He did so idly as they navigated the brightly-lit, vaulted ballroom, hands clasping behind his back.

“As much as I do love bullshitting, and you know I do-”

“You certainly do,” Solas agreed, still surveying the crowd. An excellent turnout; he was pleased for his friend. Solas knew how much the city meant to Varric.

“I wish people would stop bringing up politics,” Varric said, squinting at the raised eyebrow Solas gave him. “What?”

“It is a natural progression for you, Varric,” he reminded his friend tolerantly.

“I'm a writer,” Varric contradicted him dourly.

“As am I! But, that is not all that I am, or all that I am capable of.”

“Hmh, I-” Varric paused, giving a faint 'huh' under his breath. “Hey, Solas.”

“What is it?” Solas asked, dragging his attention away from trying to remember if he recognized a couple across the room.

“Isn't that Ellie?”

That _certainly_ drew his attention.

Their rather short and dismissive text conversation this afternoon was still in the back of his mind somewhere. He kept trying to extend a friendly hand, and while half of the time it seemed to be ignored, this time it had felt rather more like being slapped aside than avoidance. Solas was beginning to think it might be time to stop trying.

And now...

It certainly was her across the glittering room, her face in profile as she looked up into the face of the person next to her, his back to them. The shimmery, sleek dress she was wearing dipped low in the back, exposing the graceful tattoo that wended over her left shoulder and down until it disappeared under the fabric. Not for the first time, he felt it keenly unfair just how beautiful she was.

She stood out now as starkly as she had when they first met, for the exact same reason.

She went contrary to the crowd.

In this case, she was dressed simply, with only the barest of ornamentation. Bare short nails, nearly-bare face, hair loose around her shoulders. It actually looked as if she'd ran her hand through it and twisted it to the side, as he recalled her doing often. Granted, she still would have been beautiful no matter what she wore or how she chose to adorn herself, but there was something charming about her silent contrariness.

He was preparing himself to approach her when her companion rested a hand on her lower back and leaned down to speak in her ear. The barest sliver of a profile, and he knew who it was. His heart sank.

_Falon'din._

The warmth in his chest died, replaced with an icy, distant rage.

“Isn't that your- oh.” Varric sounded vaguely apologetic.

“Indeed,” Solas replied, clipped and quiet.

“Well, shit.”

“Excuse me for a moment, won't you, Varric?” he inquired.

Why. Why had he thought anything might change? Why had he thought his cousins would leave him be, evolve past those old, pathetic wars they used to wage?

“Yeah, sure Chuckles,” Varric said to his back, uneasily.

When he approached, she was laughing, head ducking with a sway of her hair. The hand was still on her back. Her posture wasn't flirtatious, nor was her voice, casual and easy. Why his mind was choosing to dissect the moment, he couldn't say, but logic and calm would keep the anger at bay.

How _dare_ Falon'din use her like this?

Why was she even in contact with him? Last he remembered they'd gotten into a fist fight in a parking lot, and yet here they were together. It seemed more had changed than he realized.

When he approached them and made his presence known by a gentle clear of his throat, Ellana's glance became a double-take. Surprise on her face, and then a hint of a smile that quickly faded into what he could only assume was unease. Her eyes flicked between them.

Falon'din took his time.

There was something of Elgar'nan in the detached expression on his face when he finished his excuses and turned, but Fal had never been a good student. It quickly faded into a self-satisfied edge of a smirk. Unfortunately for Falon'din, Solas was a much better pupil.

He kept his face completely blank.

“I thought I should come say hello. It seemed rude to do otherwise,” he said, clipped and careful.

The hand remained on her back.

“Hi, Solas. I had no idea you'd be here,” Ellana said, eyes slitting sidelong at Falon'din. She sounded completely genuine- not that he'd had any doubt.

“Nor I you. I'm always delighted to see you, however.”

Her answering smile was tense.

Falon'din actually looked taken-aback. “You knew he was in town?” An accusation, aimed at Ellana, and Solas had to fight the urge to step up and say something sharp.

“Yes?”

Betrayal briefly showed on Falon'din's face. How curious. “Huh. Well. Just, you know, here for the auction. Got some money to burn on the less fortunate or whatever. Speaking of burning, maybe I should put some money down on whatever it was you donated. I'm sure it's cheap.”

The insults didn't find anywhere to bite, rolling past him. That wasn't what he was angry about. It seemed, despite all the years, that Falon'din's tactics hadn't changed. Long-ago he would have risen to greet the attempt at nudging old triggers, but they roused nothing at all- to his private relief.

“By all means, it's for a good cause,” Solas said, coolly neutral.

“Jealousy's not really a good look,” Falon'din said, self-satisfied.

He saw the instant Ellana put it together, the confusion on her face fading away into utter blankness. “Jealous- you knew Solas was going to be here, and you invited me and didn't tell me? Even though you thought I hadn't seen him?”

“Didn't think it mattered,” Falon'din dismissed, and then gave a dismissive snort when Ellana stepped aside from him. “Come on, Els. There's a lot of people here, we don't need to make a scene. We'll talk about it later.”

“What did you think was going to happen, that-” Ellana cut herself off, and he saw the tension in her jaw rising.

Keeping his voice as calm and even as he could, Solas inclined his head towards her. “I apologize. He should not have used you, and if I had known that he intended to do so, I would have contacted you and warned you.”

“I- of course you would have,” she said quickly, much to his relief. “Don't- don't worry, Solas. What the hell, Fal?”

Falon'din reached out for her back again, and she stepped aside, head shaking. One more step and there were suddenly miles between them in posture and expression, distance becoming more than physical. Before she shut down Solas could see the hurt in her eyes, and regretted it.

“Really? You tried to use me? To- to what. Hurt Solas? Really?”

“Relax, we'll talk about it later,” Falon'din dismissed. “Okay, so I fucked up a little. You know me, I fuck up.” The smile he turned down on Ellana was self-deprecating and chagrined, one shoulder lifting in a little shrug.

“That-” Ellana's expression when slack, and then hardened again, hair swaying as she shook her head. “This isn't a fuck up, _Fal_. This isn't- excuse me.”

She turned on a heel and stormed off, movements clipped. Solas took a half-step toward her retreating back, when a hand reached out and snatched his upper arm, grabbing him in a punishing grip. He paused, straightened his shoulders, and glanced up to meet his cousin's eyes.

All pretense was gone.

The hard, venomous look in Fal's eyes was positively vicious, though he somehow managed to keep his face blank. It seemed in some ways he had grown up after all. Such a shame they were the wrong ones.

“You should have stayed away.”

“I have as much a right to be here as you do,” Solas replied quietly, making note of where Ellana had retreated to out of the corner of his vision.

“Yeah. Right. We know better, Fen'harel. You just happen to show up _right_ now, when everything's happening. Somebody like Els might actually buy that, but we know better.”

We, twice in a row now.

“Dirthamen sent you here,” Solas guessed, knowing it was a truth the instant Fal's eyes narrowed minutely. “Well, I suppose he would know I was a part of this.”

“He knows everything. Everything you've ever done, everything you didn't...” A pause, and when Fal spoke again it was heavy with a threat. “Everyone you know.”

“I have not been in contact with Mythal,” he said mildly. “I am only trying to live my life.”

“That's not good enough,” Falon'din said, eyes tightening at the corners.

Mythal's eyes. Dirthamen was the only one of the siblings who had inherited his father's coloring, and his particularly ruthless mental state. Unfortunately for Elgar'nan, there was only one thing that Dirthamen cared about, and that was his twin brother.

And what Falon'din cared about was his father's approval, which he would likely never gain by his own merits.

He knew how kind Ellana was, how gentle her heart had been under the thorns. Had his cousin used that against her? Was it some power play, a manipulation only to- to win against Solas?

What a horrific thing, if true.

“You hurt her,” he said testingly, and was surprised to see a genuine flicker of uneasiness on his cousin's face.

“She always gets over it,” Falon'din dismissed, though the uncertainty remained on his face.

“You _used_ her.”

Yes, that was definitely uneasiness. Possibly even guilt? It was swallowed too quickly for identification, as the hand left his arm and Falon'din scoffed dismissively, reaching up to rake a hand through his carefully-styled black hair.

“People use people,” he said, as if it were a verse of the Chant.

“We are not speaking of people. We are speaking of Ellana,” Solas replied quietly.

This time when he turned and left, Falon'din did not stop him.


	7. Chapter 7

Solas found Ellana out in the hallway, staring at her phone, face blank.

When he approached she didn't even react, but when he cleared his throat gently, she jolted violently. Eyes wide, her head jerked up, the phone falling from her hand. She winced when it hit the marble floor with a noisy clatter, and he quickly crouched to scoop it up.

He turned it over and examined the screen. “I don't believe it's damaged.”

“I- I-” she stammered awkwardly, and when he glanced up at her, rising to his feet, she was clutching at her chest.

“Ellana?” he asked worriedly.

She violently shook her head, taking the phone from him with a hand that shook. “I'm. I'm not- sorry. I- I...” The panicked stammer seemed to be inadvertent, and was obviously distressing her.

Quickly he interrupted her, keeping his voice low, his own anger forgotten in his concern. “Don't force yourself. What do you need? How may I help?”

Relief crossed her face. “Water.”

Considering returning to the ballroom was discarded immediately, and he tilted his head up the hall instead. He didn't know this mansion well, but considering it was meant to be rented out for events such as this, there had to be something. The way was barred by a velvet rope, but he moved it out of the way, relieved when that garnered him a narrow look from Ellana.

“Morrigan tells me that I have a bad habit of pretending the rules do not exist, so that I can do as I wish,” he admitted, making sure to keep his voice even and casual.

It seemed as if the rooms directly off of the ballroom had been set up as a staging area for the caterers, much to his relief. He'd been counting on that when he realized all the waitstaff had been coming from this hall. The room on the left he could hear voices coming from, so he led her into the other, closing the door behind himself. That got him another look. It made him smile.

The room was comfortable despite the clutter of catering supplies, heavy leather armchairs facing the cold fireplace, heavy curtains at the windows. He heard one of the chairs creak as she sat down in it, as he liberated a bottle of water from the plastic packaging. There was a soft rattle, and when he stepped around to offer her the bottle, she was thumbing open a bottle of pills. She glanced up and nodded with a forced smile, taking the bottle from him.

“I apologize that it isn't cold.”

“It doesn't need to be,” she assured him quietly. “Thank you.”

Giving her a moment, he wandered over to examine the array of bottles that had been set out on a metal rolling cart, fishing through them until he found a bottle of brandy. It'd do. He hadn't had a moment to get himself a drink before, and there didn't seem to be any wine in here.

“Anxiety. Stress exacerbated,” she said quietly. “Getting diagnosed was a big help, really, but talking about it just always seems to make it worse.”

“Then there is no need to.”

She gave a faint 'hmm', and when he returned to take the other chair, her attention was fixed on him. It was nice that she met his eyes. She seemed to have difficulty doing so at times. They took a moment of silence, gazing at each other, and then she sighed slowly.

“The bastard _Vic'ed_ me.”

“He what?” Solas asked, vaguely bemused.

“Used me like he used Victoria back all that time ago,” she said, disgust in her voice. “Using your ex to get back at you? Creators, she's going to give me the biggest 'I told you so' of all time for that.”

“Ah, yes, they did date briefly,” he mused quietly, and then shook his head. “I am so sorry, Ellana. I- but why? Why would you be here with him, after everything?”

“We're friends,” she said simply. “Or I thought we were. He- he used to come around and bug me. Ask about you. He never believed me that I didn't know anything until one day I- I don't know. Lost my shit on him.”

“Who could blame you?”

“Yeah. Anyways, he kept coming back and he seemed like he needed someone to talk to. He's- he's under a lot of pressure, all the time, and I- I don't know. In some ways I felt like I failed you, so I tried to help him.”

The quiet, sad statement killed any unease or even faint betrayal that she had befriended his cousin. No, he had no right to judge her. “Fail me? How could you ever think that, Ellana?”

“Emotions aren't always logical, Solas,” she said dryly, taking another sip of the water. Her voice was quiet and even, but restrained, emotionless. She was still holding back. “Sometimes he- his instincts are very misguided. I'm sure you understand that. He makes a lot of mistakes, but he does try. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me. He always feels bad when he hurts me.”

Listening to her making excuses for the man who had just attempted to use her in a very petty power play was unsettling to hear. “You yourself only _just_ admitted he used you.”

“I-” She paused, attention on the bottle in her hands now. He could hear the plastic crinkling as her grip tightened. “I suppose if we hadn't already met, that would have been a lot more dramatic.”

“And hurtful,” he agreed quietly. “For _both_ of us, Ellana.”

Water spilled out of the top of the bottle as her grip tightened, trickling over her fingers. She didn't seem to notice, eyes unfocused, so he gently reached out and took it from her. She didn't resist.

“He always tries that on me, even though it doesn't work,” she muttered to herself.

“What?”

Snapping out of her daze, her head shot up and she stared at him. When she spoke, her voice was trembling, but not from sorrow. It was tension. “Every time he fucks up. He tries to buy his way out of it, every time. Presents, whatever. I never let him.”

“That is likely wise,” Solas agreed quietly.

She gestured to herself, voice cold. “I should have known he wasn't actually trying to be nice for no reason. It's always fucking transactional.”

“Hmm?”

“The dress I'm wearing. He sent it to my house. I almost tore him a new one, but I let him get away with so much shit, you know. I thought maybe- you know. He was trying, I should give in a little for once. For ONCE!” Her hands shook as she lifted them, fingers curling in towards her palms. The anger in her voice finally broke through, the calm distance shattering as she slapped her hands down on the chair, fury blazing in her eyes.

“But no! It was part of some stupid plot! I have so much _shit_ going on in my life, and I kept giving and giving and giving to him! I'm exhausted! Constantly fucking exhausted, and I thought if I just gave him a little more, he might finally be able to turn things around! It always felt so close! So close, I just had to give a _little_ more!”

It was an inappropriate thought. Disrespectful, rude.

It was all of those things, but it settled into his mind incontrovertibly as he watched her storm across the room, alive with anger. A heel caught in the thick rug, and she crouched down and yanked it off, violently throwing it at the lamp with a cry of frustration.

_There she was. There was Ellana._

He felt ashamed now that he had been disappointed in her. How did he have the right at all to be disappointed? In her, of all people, the woman who had dragged him out from the water when he was drowning?

The woman who had saved him, and was still trying to save people.

Rising to sit on the arm of the leather armchair, he watched her in silence. This wasn't the woman he'd been expecting, no, and that was his crime. His mistake that he'd been expecting anything at all. This was Ellana, with the fire in her eyes and the crack in her voice, the painfully honest expressions.  
She made sense.

"So much fucking wasted time! I don't know why I put up with it for so long. I just-" She turned again, kicking off her other shoe, tears in her eyes despite the anger. "He was doing better, I don't know why he did this. He's been doing so much better."

"Because of me, Ellana. Ir abelas," he said quietly, giving a small shake of his head. "If all this time has failed to heal him of hating me, I do not know what can. It may be that nothing can."

"This is not what I needed, it's not," she said, dragging her hands through her hair. "This, on top of everything?"

"Did something happen?" He asked, offering over his glass.

She eyed it for a few seconds, and then strode over on bare feet and took it from his hand. He relinquished it to her grip without complaint, and watched as she drained the liquor in seconds.

"Bleh, what is that?" she asked, moving to the cart to refill it.

"Cognac. Brandy," he replied, faintly amused as she tipped in another generous measure from the same bottle.

“I'm really not supposed to drink after taking those meds, it fucks with the efficacy.”

“I apologize, I did not think of that.”

She shrugged and lifted the glass, staring at it with eyes oddly intent. Her lips tightened, and then she sighed, giving a long, slow shake of her head. Her hair tumbled across her face, and she twisted it out of the way again.

“I've got- I've just got nothing, at the end of the day, is all. I think sometimes I hide myself away so people don't see it, but I'm- between work, and dealing with everything from mom passing, and then Mira's whole life changing and also full of _drama_ , and I have to give a hundred percent to Wren, I have to.” Her voice cracked, and she ran a hand through her hair again. “It feels like the only energy I have is for moving forward, not course-correcting. Not introspecting. Not...dealing with old baggage.”

“And now I've reappeared and started demanding your attention as well,” he said, abruptly feeling embarrassed with his annoyance at her side-stepping him.

“I'm sorry, Solas, I've just got nothing left,” she sighed, lifting a hand to her forehead and massaging in slow circles.

“I realize that now. You do seem a bit stretched thin.”

She laughed, sadly. "A hundred and ten percent to a dozen things, and what do I have to show for it?"

"You cannot have me believe that all of your hard work with the children, with your family has done nothing," he contradicted, smiling faintly when she lifted her shoulders. The defensive little motion brought humor to the moment. "So I am correct, and you don't want to admit it."

"I have absolutely no patience for smug," she told him, frowning all the deeper when he laughed sardonically. "I just...shit, Solas. I just wanted to _help_."

Amusement died as her voice cracked over the last word, and he gave a faint sigh. For a few seconds he simply watched her, as she impatiently brushed away tears, sniffling softly. The only reason he wouldn't give in to the urge to rise and hug her was that he knew it would be unwelcome. He clasped his hands together, arms resting on his thighs.

"You cannot save everyone," he said, because it needed to be said out loud. "If you cannot believe it for yourself, believe it for Wren. What you wasted on him, you can give to your family. He isn't worth your effort. Your kindness."

"I don't believe that," she protested, and then shook her head, eyes closing. "The...second part, not the first. I _know_ I can't save everyone."

"Do you?" he asked simply.

He wasn't surprised when she didn't have an answer for it. Instead he rose as she sipped at the drink, crossing the room to pull her shoe down from where it had gotten tangled in one of the curtains.

"I know you're biased," she accused quietly, letting out a sigh and accepting the shoe from him as he offered it to her. "I can't tell you what we've worked through all these years, it is private, but he really has come a long way."

Her accusation might have stung, if it weren't true. Yes, his first instinct was to reject that claim. Dismiss it. He didn't think he was wrong, but he also recognized that it wasn't a fight worth having. Still..

"And yet he obviously doesn't respect you," he replied, simply.

"No. No, he sure fucking doesn't," she agreed, shoulders sagging. "That's it, isn't it? All these years, and I'm still just a thing to be used."

"Would you like to know what I think?" He asked, glancing over his shoulder towards the door.

The idea of wading back into that mess, the chaos and noise that had seemed so amusing before had become unbearable now. Especially with his cousin there somewhere, lurking and waiting to pick another fight. No.

Varric would forgive him.

"What?" she asked wearily, setting the half-full glass down on the cart and wandering over to pick up her other shoe.

"I think we should go and get ice cream," he told her. When she glanced up at him, hair tumbled over her face, eyes narrowed, he smiled faintly. "No?"

"Yes," she sighed with relief, nodding her head as she straightened up. "Oh, hell yes...but are you sure?"

"I fear it may be more complicated than Falon'din simply trying to be cruel. I owe you an explanation for this." It felt right. Who but her? If Falon'din was attached to her, it was of vital importance that she understood everything that was occurring.

But more than that, it was _Ellana_.

"I was...you don't." she replied, voice quietly resigned.

"It does not matter what anyone else would think. _I_ owe _you_ an explanation."

Her eyes met his again, a rueful smile gently touching her lips. “All right.”

Solas glanced down, not bothering to hide the smile. “Shoes might be a wise idea,” he said, and then laughed at her scoff. “What?”

“Done. Done with heels,” she declared, dropping the silver and green shoes on the floor again. He wasn't going to complain, but when she reached into her purse, any doubts were silenced. She pulled out a pair of thin, rolled-up ballet-style flats, shaking them out.

“Clever.”

“I'm good at practical,” she said, with self-deprecation he wasn't quite sure was warranted. “I hate that this dress is now cursed, it's so pretty. He has a really good eye.”

“I believe taking that off as well might make buying ice cream a bit difficult,” he told her, and smiled at her little laugh, relieved it sounded more relaxed. “It is the woman that makes the dress, Ellana, not the other way around.”

She gave him a narrow look, in the midst of pulling on the flats. He could see the edge of a smile on her lips, though, even through her annoyance. “Watch it, mister.”

“I only speak the truth,” he said, moving to get the door for her.

“You don't get to flirt with me,” she retorted, but with a smile on her lips, slipping past him out into the hall.

“Now you are inventing rules,” he protested, stepping into the hall after her. It was so relieving to feel this again, after how she had been cutting him out. The easy, natural interaction was more like their first meeting, despite the complicated situation. “Irregardless, that was a simple statement of fact. Nothing more or less. You always stand out from the crowd, no matter what you wear.”

She glanced over her shoulder with a disapproving look, but he wasn't in the least bit deterred. Ellana was as charming in her disapproval as she was in her sweeter moods. That hadn't changed. Once again his expectations had been shattered and destroyed- perhaps that was for the best in the end. Destroying all the illusions of the past for the reality of the future to replace it.

Despite the altercation with his cousin, he left the event in a good humor.

Ellie didn't really know how she was feeling. They'd kept pretty quiet until they had the ice cream, and then Solas finally started talking. She just listened. It felt a bit like he was trying to sort his head out.

It wasn't a bother to listen to _his_ problems.

There was a nostalgia in her mind that made this all easier. They hadn't had bubblegum ice cream, but nobody seemed to any more. Still, just the act of getting ice cream and wandering- even just in the car- was an old tradition from those frantic days that had left such an impact on her life. She and the bird still did it regularly, when Ellie found the time.

They should do it more.

“So obviously Dirthamen has come to the conclusion that I've returned to defend Mythal, or to look into whatever they are plotting. Which could not be further from the truth, but-” He stalled for a moment, staring out through the windshield.

“It's only natural to be curious,” she supplied quietly.

“Curiosity is a slippery slope, and I have no desire to be manipulated back into playing games with them.”

That was fair.

“How do you feel about Mythal these days?” she asked quietly. When he glanced sidelong at her, raising an eyebrow, she smiled. “What?”

“You aren't my therapist,” he said, dryly.

“Instinct and habit, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help,” she sighed. Creators, she really needed to be better at turning it off.

“I just do not want you to feel as if you need expend energy on me that could be put to better use.”

The question remained unanswered, but Ellie was beginning to realize she actually did want it answered. Why, she wasn't sure, but it bothered her. This whole conversation bothered her, once she took a moment to look at where her own head was at. Still, he'd changed the subject, so she shouldn't press him about it.

Maybe he didn't know how he felt about Mythal.

She hadn't really known where they were going until he parked the car and got out, leaving her sitting. She didn't realize she was doing it until she caught him looking in through the windshield at her, spoon in his mouth, eyebrows raised. With a sigh, she unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed out into the night, dirt and gravel crunching underfoot.

"So you want to eat ice cream, outside, in the cold," she said, hoping it sounded humorous and not angry.

"It has been some time since I was up on the overlook." Solas replied, dropping down onto the hood of the car unceremoniously, braced with one foot on the bumper. "I thought looking down at my home might remind me of why I am here."

With a sigh, she turned to face the city herself, leaning against the car. Over the railing, it lay before them, millions of lights slowly growing closer and closer together as the city cascaded down to the waterfront. She could see the downtown clearly, and let her eyes trail away from it, slowly following roads in search of home. It was probably over there, up and to the left. And there was the hospital, not the one Wren had been born in, Wren had been born in Ostwick, but...

"I hate it," she confessed finally, not bothering to hide the crack in her voice. "It's so fucking unfair. You deserve to come home without having to worry about all of this- all of this bullshit."

"Life rarely cares about what we deserve,” he replied quietly, digging his spoon into the cup.

“Damn it, Solas. I didn't give you up so they could drag you back in,” she said impulsively, and then winced. That wasn't really appropriate to say.

To her relief, when she glanced uneasily sidelong he was staring at his ice cream, face pensive in the moonlight. “Letting them drive me out of the city does not feel like victory any longer, Ellana.”

"I'd think you'd be making plans to run away again before things get more complicated," she confessed, feeling a little ashamed for the assumption as she dragged up a spoonful of chocolate and caramel.

"The thought has crossed my mind, but I like to think I am no longer the coward I was," he said with a tired chuckle.

"I wouldn't call you a coward..." she said, carefully.

“You never would.”

Their eyes met, and silence fell as they stared at each other. She smiled, ruefully, and he returned it, head dropping. Letting out a slow sigh, she turned her attention back to the vista, prodding at her ice cream.

“This feels much better,” Solas said quietly.

“I'm sorry. I- it's just a lot, and I-”

“No. I understand now. I am only relieved that you weren't having second thoughts.”

No point in lying to him. "Not consciously, but maybe unconsciously. I think it's just because processing it all brings back all those emotions I never really sorted through properly, and my brain felt too overwhelmed to deal with it,” she said, and then sighed through her nose. “Creators, I've been such a bad friend lately.”

"You are only one person," he pointed out, and then chuckled at her excessive sigh. "You had to learn it sooner or later, Ellana."

"My priorities have been a little skewed," she said, prodding at the remaining hunk of ice cream with her plastic spoon. "It's hard to admit he wasted my time and effort. I really wanted to help, you know? I guess I was so invested in the progress that had been made that I didn't really step back and realize that just because bad's better than fucking horrible doesn't mean it's not still bad."

"Well, now you can take that effort, and put it to use somewhere else."

"Hmh," she agreed, and then gave an awkward laugh. "I just have no idea...where.”

“You've had a difficult time lately. Why not spend some of it on yourself?”

“And do what? Sit around on my ass on the couch watching television?” she asked sarcastically.

“Why not? Or take up a hobby. Read some good books? The heart and mind need rest as surely as the body, Ellana.”

She didn't bother arguing with him. “Hmmh. How long has it been since we left?”

“Less than an hour. Why?”

Ellie set her ice cream on the car and got up, reluctantly. Solas watched her, puzzled, as she yanked open the creaky door of his amusingly terrible car. Another old memory there.

Grabbing the too-small purse, she thumbed it open and got out her phone, turning it back on. It began lighting up as she returned to the hood, setting it down next to her and picking up the ice cream again.

“Dare I ask?”

“You'll find out soon. Do you remember our car fight?”

He laughed, surprised. “I remember everything, Ellana. Yes, I remember being stubborn about lowering my standards.”

“You should probably raise them a little again, Solas,” she declared, smiling at his chuckle.

“It is clean and it runs,” he said.

Their laughter was cut off as her phone started buzzing, his attention turning down to it. She kept her eyes fixed on the vista, scraping up what remained of her ice cream. His faint 'ah' roused a hint of a smile, tired as it was.

“How many messages has he sent me?”

“Thirty seven,” Solas said simply. “If you unlock it I'd be happy to delete them for you. I'm certain there's nothing of value in them. I wouldn't want him to be allowed to hurt you any more tonight.”

“I already know what they say. It's just complaining, apologizing, ordering, begging, and then starting again from the top,” Ellie said with a small shrug. “When he gets tired of it, he'll pretend nothing ever happened and talk to me normally. Possibly there will be an attempt at a present.”

“That seems a bit more tame than I recall him being,” Solas said, cautiously, but she could hear the hint of scorn underneath. “He treats you more kindly these days?”

“He-” She paused briefly, and then smiled. “Oh, you mean the insults and stuff? No, no. I don't put up with that. He knows better.”

“As you said, bad is better than horrible, but it still not good.”

She smiled a little to herself, head tilting to the side as she stared at his face, still down-turned to look at the phone. “You're worried I'm going to forgive him.”

“You began making excuses for him near-instantly,” Solas pointed out.

Ellie bit back her instinctive annoyed retort, and breathed through her nose. He was absolutely right. She just didn't like that he was right. “I've been making excuses for him for a long time. It's a habit. But that was-” She paused, and Solas waited patiently. Seconds passed, and she tried to sort through her brain.

Yes, her history with him told her to roll her eyes and move on with it, but the emotions demanded otherwise. She was angry, genuinely angry with him in a way she hadn't been in a long time. Because of Solas. “I do always forgive him. But he crossed a line that can't be un-crossed this time, and I don't feel like playing by his rules any more. He used me to try and hurt you. After everything I've done, after seeing how much it all hurt me back then- he didn't care. The instant he saw an opportunity to try and lash out at you, he took it.”

“I am so sorry, Ellana.”

“It isn't really about you in the end, Solas. Not you as a person. You're just a trigger for his issues. I know that doesn't make it better, but it makes it very much not your fault. So don't feel sorry.”

“I will try, but it is difficult. I feel very protective of you, Ellana.”

She wrinkled her nose irritably, and he chuckled. “I can take care of myself, Solas.”

“I know. But when was the last time you let someone else take care of you?”

The words silenced her, and she gave a small, awkward laugh, staring down at the melted remnants of her ice cream, trying not to fidget. He waited, but she couldn't think of a single thing to say that wasn't defensive. Finally he chuckled.

“It seems I am correct yet again.”

“You are so fucking smug!” she accused exasperatedly, and he laughed as she glared up at him.

The laugh was so easy and natural and _him_ that it relaxed her despite her frustration. He even did that little almost-snort thing. Grudgingly she smiled, shaking her head. “Okay, okay. That's enough out of you.”

“I-” he paused as the phone buzzed again, glancing down at it.

She didn't bother.

“Hawke? Not Marian Hawke?”

“Oh,” she said, blinking, and picked up the phone. “Yeah. Right, you probably know her through Varric, right? She's a friend. I met her through Merrill.”

“Yes, she's kind enough to watch Ninety for me when I have engagements in town,” Solas said, and smiled at the narrow look she gave him.

“Interesting name...dog?” she asked cautiously, thumbing open the phone blindly.

“Yes,” he said simply, but curiously.

She stifled a snort. “Solas, wolf dogs are illegal to own, in the city.”

“I-” He was staring at her in surprise when she lifted her phone to show him the picture Hawke had sent her.

Wren in her dragon costume, lying on Fenris' chest. Both of them were asleep, but he was holding a toy sword in the hand dangling off the couch. She'd have to remember to save that one, it was pretty adorable.

“Oh,” he said, and then chuckled. “It's a bare percentage, it just so happens that the wolf tends to...dominate the physical characteristics. The genetic test said she's mostly Anderfel shepherd.”

“Mhmm,” she said dubiously, turning off her phone before a Fal message could pop up. “I just hope you keep her away from kids.”

“She actually enjoys children more than adults, she's very shy normally,” Solas said, and then chuckled at the narrow look she gave him. “She is very rigorously trained. I'll introduce you properly, if you like. May I drive you home?”

She half-turned to eye the car dubiously, hiding a smirk at his chuckle. A long pause, and she sighed and glanced back at him, meeting his eyes. “Will the car seat fit?”

His slight smile deepened, “I believe so, yes.”

“Dog goes in the front seat,” she told him, relaxing when he inclined his head in understanding. “All right. Thank you.”

“I'm grateful for the opportunity to spend more time with you,” he said, and then smiled at her glare. “Friends spend time together, Ellana.”

“I've been kind of bad about that lately,” she admitted, rather than point out that he was flirting with her again. “I guess I should start fixing that.”

“Well, now you should have more time and energy to do so.”

Ellie kept her smile in place as she glanced down at her phone, but she knew herself too well to know it would be so easy, cut and dried. Fal really did need help. It was more clear than ever that was the case, and she had a hard time saying no. As much as she was furious at him for what he'd done, she didn't want him to suffer.

All he'd see this as was her choosing Solas over him.

Just like Mythal had.

“Yeah,” she said quietly, “I suppose I do.”


End file.
